All the best stories are full of adventure, intrigue and a happy ending; this one is no different. So sit back, relax and let me beguile you with the tale of ‘How Rogan lost his trousers’

The wind howled and the rain raged all morning, but even the heavens submitted as the mighty Hammers arrived at the incredibly expensive looking venue for the afternoon. There was a jovial mood among the league leaders during the warm up; Lineouts were looking sharp, Ollie was slotting kicks and Rogan had successfully paid a drifter to hide his boots. By the time kick off came the Hammers were ready to reassert their authority after a close one the week before.

The first kick didn’t go exactly to plan as the wind carried it straight in to touch. From the scrum back on halfway Irish kicked forward to give Hammers a lineout on their own 22. A good take and set maul saw Hammers march on a good 10m before Dugdale, using some sort of forbidden witchcraft, appeared with ball behind the opposition and set off on a weaving run eventually being stopped in the opposition 22. Great support from Hammers saw another 2 phases before a side entry into the ruck on the opposite wing gave Irish the turnover. An exciting start to the game, but that was all the excitement to be seen for the next 20 minutes or so.

Both sides exchanged some heavy clashes in the midfield with neither side really gaining the upper hand. Strong carries from the Hammers forwards and some excellent crash balls from the hard working Maddigan in the centre put pressure on the Irish defence but unfortunately most plays eventually broke down with a knock on or a forward pass. The period did, however, take a hard toll on the home side who lost their centre and hooker to injury as well as several others picking up knocks.

Late in the half the deadlock was finally about to break. A scrum on the right hand side just outside the opposition 22 was followed by an 8 12 strike move that saw the enigma that is Joe Carolan carve through the line and make light work of the full back to score under the posts. He promptly added the 2 with the conversion.

A good take from the restart and a strong platform from the Hammers forwards allowed the backs to immediately break the line again. Deep In the opposition half Carolan and Dugdale faced a 2 on 1 with the fullback. However, it was now time for Dugdale to pay the price for his use of Witchcraft earlier in the game as an ill-timed glance at the winger meant he couldn’t quite take Carolan’s pass and the opportunity went begging.

A little later a well-placed kick into the corner saw Irish carry the ball over their own line and Hammers had a scrum on the opposition 5. Hammers couldn’t quite get over the line but did win a penalty in front of the posts that Carolan was all too happy to use to add 3 more points to his ever growing tally.

Following the restart, Hammers gave away a penalty trying to play out of their own 22. The Irish kicker was told to go for the sticks but took it slightly too literally and the ball bounced off the upright and straight into the hands of Dugdale. Hammers got just outside the 22 before knocking on again and giving Irish the scrum. A strong scrum from Irish put them on the front foot and as they played wide their centre managed to slip a tackle and go over for the first points for the home team. This time the Irish kicker managed to convert for the extra 2. Half time with the score 10-7 to Hammers.

The second half opened with a great take from debutant Zak followed by a clearance from Carolan that took play back up to half way. 2 penalties later and Irish had a lineout on the hammer’s 5. The

maul was well defended but Irish played into the middle of the field, their play eventually ending with a knock on in front of the posts. The Danger wasn’t over for Hammers though as a scrum penalty led to an Irish scrum in the same position. Irish capitalized on this and eventually got over the line during the ensuing pick and goes that followed their scrum. Irish added the 2 and brought the score to 14-10 Irish.

The classic and well deserved angry pep talk under the posts from Jacko saw Hammers fly back up the field immediately after the restart forcing a lineout in the opposition 22. Great pressure from the Hammers forwards forced another line out, this time for Hammers. A well-executed catch and drive saw Spicer fall over the line in the corner. The kick proving just too difficult left the score at 15-14 to Hammers.

Following the restart, Hammers cleared their 22 with an excellent kick chase and some aggressive defending leading to a penalty on the half way line. The kick to the corner was followed by some strong forward carries before the ball was released to the backs who couldn’t quite finish the move and Irish were given a penalty to clear their lines.

Irish, through another penalty, took the ball up to the Hammers 10m line but a superb steal in the lineout put Hammers back in the driving seat. A great carry from Steve John led to a penalty for Hammers who promptly put the ball in the corner. A few phases later Zak was almost decapitated in the tackle and Irish were given a yella card, I can’t spek! Another fantastic catch and drive at the lineout saw Ed Wynne claim the second forward try of the day. Again the kick from the corner proving too much and the score became 20-14 to Hammers.

Another well-handled restart took the ball back up to halfway where eventually Irish won a scrum. Another scrum penalty saw Irish tap and go, carrying up to the 10m line and attempt to play wide. A late tackle on the opposition 10 by Pete Clarke received retaliation form the aforementioned 10 in the form of a school boy classic; the old kick the foot and trip him up while he walks away. Pete of course milked this savage attack with an acting prowess Harty would be proud of, alas to no avail as Irish were promptly awarded a penalty for the late tackle. Irish missed their shot at goal and the game was restated with a 22m dropout.

More strong defence from Hammers resulted in a scrum and a break up the wing via MC ‘Mutton Chops’ Cloud. He made it all the way to the 22 before taking a huge hit from a blade of grass. A quick pick and go from the man with the strongest beard in the club was followed by the most perfectly timed, well executed and glorious offload ever seen to young Dugdale who dived over the line! However the sirens blared as the ‘Anti Joue Police’ called a forward pass.

Irish cleared their lines but another excellent lineout from the Hammers forwards took them back into the 22. Pressure built through several phases of hard forwards carries and eventually led to Josh Smith sneaking over in the corner. This time Carolan managed to get the extras. 27-14 Hammers. The third forward try of the day led a certain Prince Charming and master author to comment how ‘unhammerly’ we were being.

It was Irish’s turn to over kick the restart and Hammers got the scrum back on the centre spot. Hammers kicked into the corner and with a fantastic chase forced the penalty right on the opposition 5m. A textbook Bulls call and a quick joker saw Carolan stroll over for his second of the day. He unfortunately couldn’t convert his own try and the score became 32-14.

Both sets of backs then felt the need for a quick game of kick tennis for the last few minutes, which resulted in a penalty to Hammers. Hammers executed a line out strike move straight off the training

ground but Spicer was stopped just short of the line. A loose pass rolled into to touch and the final whistle blew. 32-14, another 5 point win for Hammers who continue their perfect run at the top of the league.

And if you’re wondering what happened to Rogan’s trousers… well so is he. I can offer you one piece of advice though; never ever trust Dr…Steve..John

A villain themed Hammerwe’en, a first versus second league game, a sold-out crowd. It sounded too good to be true, it sounded like a recipe for too much fun. The top of the table clash in England’s most prolific league, Regional 2 Thames produced yet another epic encounter that would live long in the memory of the Hammers faithful. The subsequent celebrations would not. With seven bonus point wins, Hammersmith & Fulham were strong favourites but knew that a 117-point win for Old Priorians would leave them in second place.

Going into the game, the OP’s were sitting on 35 points, with six wins and one loss, and their detailed match previews, pitch-side interviews, post-match reports and weekly league summaries showed, at least, the statistical power and research capabilities of the reformed club. But they would need more than good journalism to overcome the awakening dynasty that Hammersmith had forged at the Hurlingham fortress, unbeaten in 261 days at home.

The morning of Saturday 29^th October. A decidedly autumnal day, the sun hanging in an eerie haze of clouds and smog bathed the hallowed grounds of SW6 in piercing rays of sunlight. The date added an air of mystery to the occasion with the Hammers hoping to bury the skeletons of another fateful clash last year.

The Twisters’ travelling fans had clearly got the Hammerwe’en memo and assembled an array of animated Australians, vociferously villainous. The journey down the A40 had already left them in high spirits as they quickly latched onto a fellow Aussie, heckling a certain Honey badger without hesitation.

Once the game kicked off, it was evident that both teams should have worn gloves before the game because it took several scrums to warm the hands up. Brief exchanges of rugby were played between these breaks in play before another villain turned up in the form of the Hammers discipline, a constant thorn in the side of Jacko’s squad this season. Due to their mineral deficiency, the away side opted to take the three points and slotted a penalty for an early lead. 0 – 3. However, their lead did not last long, three phases to be exact, as the Fairy Godmother danced his way through the outside backs of the opposition to offload to the omnipresent Matt Killeen. Joe Carolan missed conversion. 5 – 3.

On the side-lines, Social Sec Rich Vaughan, taking a day off from beating cancer, haunted the Old Priorian backline from minute one with a costume perfectly describing the OPs flyhalf. Instead of making pencils vanish, Rich decided to make pints disappear and performed the trick several times during the opening ten minutes, each as entertaining as the last.

Former Hammers hero and Vice-President Andrew Rogan became the latest villain after his scrummaging was questioned and his brief interaction with the referee had the home side walking back ten metres. Rogan responded with some harmless French but unfortunately it was lost in translation, and he received a slice of cheese for dissent. A man down and in their own 22, the Hammers team ought to buy defensive coach Swaino a pint. His drills manifested in a mutinous defensive set resulting in a turnover, followed by a wind-assisted 50 – 22 attacking kick from Ross Anderson left Hammersmith with a lineout in the opposition 22.

After one of the cutest streakers Hurlingham park has ever seen and the cocker-spaniel was safely returned to its slightly embarrassed owner, the OP’s surged forwards with direct running and crisp passing. There was trickery involved in their next try as a backrow juggled the ball forward and sideways. This illusion dumbfounded the Hammers defence and a smart off-load led to a try through the middle. Missed conversion, 5 – 8.

Hammersmith & Fulham fought back with clever kicks and strong set-plays gaining territory fast culminating in lineout on OP’s five-metre line. Continuing his rich vein of form, the insatiable Matt Killeen scored his 17^th try of the season through a clever reverse move engineered by the wand of the Weaver and quick hands from Ed Haynes. Carolan conversion, 12 – 8.

A slow start to the second half forced the fullbacks into a game of rugby tennis with neither team gaining an advantage. By this stage both teams were hitting hard and tackler harder, Tim Russell forgot he could step and bulldozed his opposite number to the delight of the crowd. With all the grace and guile of his Hammerwe’en costume, Ed ‘Waluigi’ Haynes head-butted Matt Killeen, probably hoping to see Dr. Steve John later at A&E. Both received attention on the side-lines with only the flying winger returning to play.

Without our sturdy flanker turned centre, Old Priorians capitalised and scored a driving maul that was converted to leave the score, 12 – 15 after 50 minutes. But anything that the Twisters can do, the Hammers do as well with Zander ‘No Naked Lap’ Stephens scoring off a similar move. Joe Carolan missed conversion, 17 – 15. A dislocated shoulder for Matt Killeen should allow the rest of the country to catch up with his try-scoring exploits but we wish him well and a speedy recovery.

In character, Rich Vaughan quipped “Nobody panics when things go “according to plan”. Even if the plan is horrifying!”. The plan: 21 phases in the opposition 22. The Hammers had trained for this but had never gotten past three phases without Matt Killeen scoring. Without their try-scoring talisman, the task seemed daunting, and they were in unfamiliar territory. Ross Anderson was glad of his connection to his costume choice for the evening. The red tree, so often a villain on Tuesday and Thursday training, became the saviour in a stoic twenty minutes. Running back and forth between rucks, he kept the forwards well fed by repeatedly putting the ball on a plate for them as the phase count continued to rise. Similar to a lager-beer in the Wolfpack on a dark and drizzly night, the backline was too flat and lacked the creativity to utilise the prolonged possession.

The Proctor’s pack took it upon themselves to propel the team towards the try-line. Ed Wynne, Josh Smith, and Ricky Drewitt led relentlessly, levelling any poor soul in their way; Steve John and Tom Proctor hunted like a pack of dogs clearing ruck after ruck. Why only have one Alex in the second row when you can have two? Huge carries from Harty and Spice drove the Hammers forward, but Carolan’s cohort were unable to breach an impressive Old Priorian defence.

After being told to cut his hair and tie his shoelaces back up by the avid away fans, the extremely very pacy Tim Russell dotted down in the corner after slick hands from J-Lo and Marshall McCleod. Credit to DJ MC-Cloud for assisting the bonus point try, which he later recollected in great detail at the Temperance as everyone, bar the kitchen staff were told. Joe Carolan missed conversion, 22 – 15.

Ross Anderson finished the game with a kick to touch to seal an emphatic win, confirming to the league that no one is safe in Hammersmith’s march towards promotion. Leading points scorer in the country, Joe Carolan increased his advantage by only scoring two points.

Final Score: 22 – 15

Scorers:

Matt Killeen x2

Zander Stephens

Tim Russell

Conversions:

Joe Carolan x1

The boys turned up to a wet and windy Rosslyn Park under the spotlights eager to impress the Hammers ultras on the sideline.

The lads came out the blocks firing and it didn’t take long for Max Dugdale to nudge the ball to 10 meters out from the Rosslyn Park 4th line – setting up the opportunity for the Hammers rolling maul to go to work. A strong driving maul set up saw the forwards walk over the line with Rob McKeon dotting the ball down for his first Hammers try.

Despite some joué from the Hammers backline creating multiple line breaks, tricky conditions and strong covering tackles from Rosslyn Park 4th’s kept them in the game. More pressure and up the jumper rugby however took its toll towards the end of the second half with Conor Burke crossing the line to give the boys the lead going into half time.

Half time: 14 – 0 Hammers.

Rosslyn Park 4th’s came back strong in the second half, with big carries from their front five they finally got themselves into the game crossing the line and converting to make the score 14-7. Big shots in the centre from James Maddigan and Huw Parks set the tone for the Hammers defence.

The last 10 minutes saw the boys big deep. With lads suffering with cramps across the field as a result of some ropey conditioning it took a sublime line from hooker Conor Burke to cut the opposition in half and drive us deep into the oppositions 22. A quick recycle from the ruck saw the ball go out wide to Ainsley Howard who went over in the corner to seal a well deserved victory for the Hammers.

Full time: 24 – 7 to the mighty 2’s

Honourable mention to Max Dugdale for keeping the scoreboard ticking over, slotting all four attempts at the sticks. Also the opposition 10 for trying to kick every touch finder onto the Upper Richmond Road – the breaks in play were much appreciated.

Less honourable mentions for members of the post match boat race team, who need to re-evaluate putting themselves forward for drinking competitions in the future.

MOM – James Maddigan for putting in big shots all game and running strong lines.

DOD – James Lalor for dropping the ball over the try line.

Whether it’s the annual Pub Golf social, post-match boat race or a game of pre-training touch, it is a truth universally acknowledged by all that “A quick game is a good game“. The referee made it clear from the off that we needed pace in everything from set pieces to open play in order to keep in his good graces. I have never seen tired bodies roll away from a tackle, throw themselves into scrums and lineouts or ruck faster for a full 80 minutes than I did on Sunday. Such athletes. In true ‘anything the forwards do, we can do better’ fashion, our well-drilled back line embraced the “need for speed” mentality and capitalised on the momentum, scoring a try so quickly in the opening minutes that even the Veo couldn’t catch it in time. Swift hands from the backs resulted in our first score as Ella took a hard line and sliced through the Hackney defence to cross the whitewash and snag our first points of the day. The extras were duly added by Sirri and Hammers were 7-0 up!

Structure and discipline was the theme of the first half; strong forward play threw the defence in disarray which in turn enabled the backs to pull off some ridiculously clean lines. Smart kicking from Alex W mounted the pressure on Hackney; with them conceding multiple penalties in quick succession, it wasn’t long before we were gifted a penalty in front of the posts. Stepping up to the plate, Sirri slotted the kick making it 10-0. Hereafter followed some frantic play on both sides. A brief deviation from our gameplan enabled Hackney to make some headway and get deep into our half, but solid defence on our wings and dominance in the scrums got us out of jail and it wasn’t long before another sharp bit of backs play got us on the scoreboard again. With playmaker Alex W deftly feeding to a strong centre combination, Ella tore through the defence again before giving a slick offload in contact to Sirri who crashed over the line to bag our third under the posts. Shamelessly converting her own try, Sirri added the extras again to make it 17-0

Some lovely kick chase play edged us into the good ball area, hard work from the forwards tied up with a smart draw and delayed pass from Alex W, making it into the hands of an unstoppable Steffy for our third try of the day. Conversion nailed again, Sirri put us at 24-0

The half time message was simple. Keep to our game plan, reduce the dogleg in our defensive line and maintain the same energy and intensity from the first half. (This last point was requested by the referee – as soon as we receive the footage from his bodycam, I will share screenshots of how the front row on both sides reacted to the concept of having to run towards scrums.)

Hackney were relentless in trying to get back into the game, working hard to field Alex W and Sirri’s kicks and sending their physical outside centre and left winger to challenge us. But Hammers stood their ground in defence – huge tackles, impressive defensive presses and quick rucks killed their offload game and returned possession to our hands. 

There’s an old rugby saying “Forwards dictate who wins the game, backs decide by how much“. It’s very famous, but apparently Tappers has never heard of it because how else can we explain her thunderous chief run at the line, smashing through 3 Hackney players and dotting down the ball for our fourth try #oosh! Special shout out goes to the referee for noticing that Hackney tried to put their hands under the ball after it had been grounded and deny the score (sneaky!) Maintaining a 100% kick record for the game, Sirri put us at 31-0 to firmly secure our delightful bonus point win.

 Back Of The Match – went to Ella for her smart lines, clever linking play and big tackles

Forward Of The Match – went to Carola for her hard carries and cat-like reflexes at the lineout

Super Sub – went to Amy R for the second week in a row after seamlessly slotting in as hooker and enabling the pack to maintain their dominance in the second half