Warmer temperatures graced West London as the V’s looked to turn up their own season to inferno-like temperatures away at Twickenham. The hosts were sat above us in 2nd and hadn’t lost for some time.

The Hammers began well keeping possession and battering away at the oppo line. Soon SBW spotted a ginger Devin Toner in the line and gleefully skipped through before a never before seen, chip and chase resulted in a line out to Twickenham around their 5 metre line.

After good yards from Whitechapel and Paul Davey, the Hammers were soon over the line with a tap and go from Wyss.

With a 5-0 lead the next 20mins or so found the hammers stuck in their own half, but essentially defending like troopers. An embarrassing call for the posts from a Twickenham penalty resulted in an even more embarrassing miss and they were about to be taught a lesson for that decision. A no.8 scrum pick up in the hammers own half got momentum going before the Mitchell brothers combined majestically with Whitechapel who went over to finish a move that started some 75 yards back. Taking the V’s in 10-0 at the break.

An emerging theme for the game became the lack of kicker for the hammers. 6 different men did step forth. 6 different kicks. 6 misses to touch……despite that we got back up their end and after great composure on the line it came down to no.8 vs winger, at which point there was a cry of “lord have mercy upon my soul” and a try was indeed scored.

The tempo of the game was extremely high it must be said, and finally the oppo broke through after a few shirt grabbing attempts in the backs and some twinkle toes from Butter Beans Bigger Brother rounding a tired Hammer. With 20 left the score was 15-5

Keeping things calm and looking after the ball paid off soon after, with the defence being sucked in by the forward ball carriers, Jamie Drysdale skipped through a tackle or two 35 yards out and touched down for a welcomed bit of meat.

With 10 left most of us could barely stand, but with some quick thinking and quicker feet from Charlie Allen, sniping from the ruck and a deft offload combining with the basketball training of Whitechapel, paid off as he weaved through again for 30-40 yards out and go under the posts to bury a now feebled Twickenham. With Stiven Danby now on the pitch, the extras were slotted to make the final score 29-5.

Al Hamilton – 7

Ever elusive in the loose, but a solid front row performance must be attributed to some of his good work in that area.

Stiven Danby – 6

Suggestions of mis-placed hair straighteners led to a late arrival and a brief appearance off the bench for this usual starter. His place-kicking boot was missed in the first half for sure.

Angus Hortop – 7

A very solid day around the park with some effective carries to go with being a part of a very sturdy front row action.

James Mitchell – 9

Two vital turnovers bailed the team out when under pressure in their own half on both occasions. Plenty of hard yards made with ball in hand and robust in defence as usual.

Dan Kenney – 7

Busy all over the park. An all around positive outing minus the headlock tackle.

Michael Cusition – 9

Firing into the line like a freshly polished shotgun. Hitting as hard as a bucking horse, whose brains had just been introduced to a led filled cartridge or two. Relentless.

Jack Mitchell – 8

Thrived as the game become more broken up in the second half. Some textbook chop tackles helping his side gain turnover or two.

Mark Wyss- 8

Ton of yards made and two meat pies. Couple of defensive lapses against smaller ratty opposition who didn’t fancy running straight.

Charlie Allen – 6

This young man dealt well with the frequent change of position throughout the game, before finding himself delivering a few pee-roller passes at scrum-half in the latter stages of the game. Thrives best in open space – similar to Gareth Thomas.

Antoine Bourgalt – 7

The extra protein shake before the game really helped him deliver a solid first half, feeding his runners with succulent ball at all times. Sadly he went a bit too ‘Va Va Room’ and tackled a player before retreating 10 – resulting in a yellow card for the flamboyant Frenchman.

Felix Whitechapel – 8

Came on strong when it mattered with two second half tries to shut out the game. Top notch support running.

Ben Hubert – 5

Some catching practise (and Beta Blockers) may need to be involved in next weeks training schedule.

Paul Davey – 7

A very strong first half, weaving his way around like a hyperactive scatty scuttlebutt, making great yards in the opposite 22. Few link up problems with his inside man made for a more quiet second half. Defensively very sound.

Jamie Drysdale – 7

The man known as the ‘Bolton Basher’ held his own very well against in the first half, before really coming alive in the second half with a try to really take the game away from Twickenham. A performance to re-ignite the memories of Kevin Maggs romping down the park.

Rory Newton – 9

Not featuring too often in the match (through not fault of his own), the brother of Peter Saigen and cousin of Naro Quintana showed excellent decision making and pace to run the ball back from deep well into the opposition half. He looks to have made the right choice in hanging up the racquet and switching sports.

Betram Darcy – 6

A good effort late on in the match. Otherwise, probably the most sexy linesman I’ve ever seen.

Michele Bongiorni – 6

Some good bursts of pace, and often demonstrated the guile of Diego Dominguez. Caught napping a little on a grubber kick through, but otherwise very solid from our favourite y-front model.

Man Of The Match:

Michael Cusition

Tin Man:

Antoine Bourgault

Tries:

Wyss (2), Whitechapel (2), Drysdale.

Anticipation had been building through the week as the Hammers 2’s side began preparation for a double header (for the uneducated/unaware, this was a league and cup match in one) against Bishop’s Stortford III team (BS). The previous result of Hammers travelling the 31.85 miles (as the crow flies) to the BS ground saw blood and tears for Hammers where we lost heavily 36-7, this only fuelled the preparation and desire for revenge.  

The Hammers were “fully prepped”/had mostly arrived by 12:30 ish as the jovial Australia Day cobwebs had been blown away (mostly) by those irresponsible enough to consume alcohol the night before game day. Any way I deviate from the purpose of this report, the match… 

With BS arriving late due to the long trip, kick off was pushed back by 10 mins – a prime example of the gentry required to be a Hammer. At 14:10, with devilish wind and rain hammering (no pun intended) down on the yellow shirt of the French referee, he blew his whistle and we were off. 

Hammers kicked off through the disintegrating boot of Eldridge, almost instantly winning the ball back through a BS knock on. The Hammers scrum was dominant from the off with the front row of Williams, Johnson and Conway rumbling their way towards the try line with arrogance that can only be described as front row swagger. We came close with Eddell running good lines in the centre, but this trip to the BS 22 was not to be fruitful.  

BS began to battle their way out of their 22 until a loose loopy pass was intercepted by the bearded hooker Johnson. Showing his blistering pace, he trotted in from 25 metres out, a simple conversion in front of the sticks from Taylor W meant Hammers were leading 7-0. 

A period of dominance from BS was to follow, they held on to the ball with effective use of a series of human cannon balls and battering rams with top tackles coming in from Fox, Rylance and familiar faces Roche and Pettitt. The BS barrage was too much to contain and saw Hammers slide to 7-14 down. Déjà vu of our previous trip to BS was at the forefront of all our minds, we had to move on. 

Despite Thompson jumping 20 seconds early to try and catch the kick off, Hammer’s found a new foot hold in the game with Lucas making good metres, supported by the forwards continued domination at the set piece resulting in Conway scoring a sneaky try at the back of a maul. Taylor W slotted conversion number two and we were at 14-14. 

HALF TIME – Score was tied 14-14 

The second half began and the first five minutes showed both sides cancelling each other out with the only notable event being Taylor W getting smashed in the midfield with a tackle that can probably still be heard echoing around the sanctuary that is Hurlingham Park. Baxter showed he’s not just a pretty face as he continued to put his body on the line for the club making some great tackles. Still fuelled on adrenaline from the rib tickler Taylor W joined the forwards and managed to sneak himself a try from a pick and go! He added another 2 points taking his running total for the game to 11 as Hammers now led 21-14.  

A passage of good play from Hammers saw Sheppard loop around and score in the right-hand corner. An almost impossible kick for Taylor W slid just outside the post making the score 26-14 Hammers. Sheppard’s glory was short lived as he was subbed off for the “experienced” Leith.  

Hammers were sensible and opted to take the points as the referee awarded a penalty in front of the posts – need I say more Taylor W stepped up… and missed. Bane despite showing great pace (with his new boots on) didn’t quite manage to score but certainly gets a gold star for effort.  

Victory was looking more likely as the Betfair exchange odds for a Hammers win moved to 1.27 (please gamble responsibly). These odds were only slashed further to 1.12 as Leith despite the paternal sleep deprivation stole the ball from a BS scrum and scored in the right corner. Cue Taylor W (again), with expectations wavering from a couple of misses those little stick legs built up some momentum and slotted it, Hammers lead extended 33-14. 

With victory surely imminent, a momentary threat to the Hammers try line and an eye watering (he cried) boot to the eye for Rylance (he probably deserved it as well) BS stole themselves an unconverted consolation try. Hammers lead 33-19. 

By this point the wind and rain were boring/freezing all involved and many looked as though they were waiting for the final whistle, but not Ralston who decided to rub more salt in the BS wounds by scoring a great try. Taylor W did his job and perhaps unsurprisingly with the pressure off slotted his kick. Hammers lead 40-19. 

The final whistle blew, followed by cheers all round from the men in red, as this vengeful victory moves us to the top of the league and through the next round of the cup.  

FULL TIME – Hammers win 40-19      

(Please read in Yorkshire accent)  

Hi guys, weekends (been) here again, hope you’ve had a good week and earnt a few quid. Whaattt. 

This week our second team had a few fixtures cancelled, but last minute on Friday Esher offered us the chance of an away day fixture….. Simply Loveleh.  

Following intense exchanges about opposition, travel arrangements and whether Watson would wear his No.1s or not we were on our way to Esher…… be seeing you.  

The warm up started with a bit of a laugh, a joke and some absolute banging tunes, but after some stern words from senior players the warm up went well and we were ready to go…… Big Up.  

The game started well with phase play working very well for the hammers, recycling lead to some swift passes for Taylor to go under the posts……. Simply lovely. 

We then decided to try and run everything from our 22 for the next 10 minutes with no luck, but also no score….. Moving on.  

After some solidity at the scrum and some nice phase play rugby, Magnus barber made a nice break on the outside with a great pass inside to Skipper Cramp, who then reversed the Pass to the screaming JLO on the burst for a simply simply lovely score.  

The scoring for the half wasn’t finished with Billy Rylance finally running a line he should be proud of with a great finish…. Plenty in the tank sir.  

Half time- Hammers 19-0 Esher Abbots  

Esher started the second half extremely well scoring two well worked tries from a driving maul and some good hands….. bloody good shot sir.  

After the second try and the realisation the game could go to Esher if the Hammers didn’t work their issues out, the huge hits and incentive of a free pint got to Watson (even though he’s very wealthy), Rylance and Rob Fox….. Plenty in the tank.  

Esher managed another penalty score (never a fan of kicking for goal in a friendly)… whatttttt 

Hammers then decided to do the same to take the score out of reach of Esher……plenty in the tank sir.  

With the final whistle going, the hammers had won and were relieved after a strong showing from a young Esher team.  

Final score – Hammers 22 – 15 Esher Abbots.   

Listen guys, its tough out there, stay safe. Be seeing you.  

After a hard fought draw away at Ealing Hammers were looking forward to the familiarity of being back at Hurlingham Park. However fate and a lack of hot water intervened resulting in the home fixture against Pinner being played at the neutral ground of Chiswick Rugby Club. Hammers on the losing side after a very tight game the last time these two meet.

Following a solid warm up, Hammers took themselves by surprise, having the vast majority of the initial territory and possession. This new found intensity from the kick off just resulted in confusion leading to a number of poor decisions in the final quarter. Eventually allowing the big ball carriers of Pinner an easy run into Hammers half and a simple 3 points.

A less good start from the resulting kick off and a couple of missed tackles left Hammersmith and Fulham back in their own 22. Despite and number of ‘body on the line’ tackles keeping Pinner’s large pack a few feet short for a number of minutes the second row eventually managed to barrel over leaving Hammers 0-10 down.

Being back in this familiar territory helped calm the nerves, the scrum and line out, initially under pressure, shored up. Resulting in good clean ball for both the backs and forwards to start playing their structures, despite the loss of the hard running Joey Graham at outside centre.

10 minutes later though , after a number of silly penalties Hammers were back on their own try line.

It was time stand up and be counted…..

Big carry after big carry charged at the Hammersmith line and each time they were repelled. Across the pitch Hammers players fronted up and most importantly went LOW! Pinner came so close that the eventual knock on was over the try line.

A quick scrum, pick from Tilbrook and box kick from Will Finn saw hammers jogging back up the pitch with their heads held high. It was game on. After some sustained pressure and a solid kick of Chris Jager Hammers went in at half-time 3 – 10.

Halftime: 3-10

Who knows if it was De wolfs team talk, the appearance of Captain Will Parker or Emmetts shouts of encouragement from the side-line? Hammersmith and Fulham stormed into the second half, the structures worked, a few big carries and a solid scrum saw them 20 feet short of the Pinner try line. Great forward pressure form a number of pick and go’s leading to the inevitable try for Zander Stephan on debut. The resulting conversion drawing the scores level at 10 apiece.

Hammers had the momentum, a few classy breaks in the back line and the ball was back with the forwards and most importantly back in Pinner’s 22. Again they had no answer to the pick and Jager got in on the action to dot down next the posts. A simple conversion and it was 17-10.

This time it was Pinner who needed a strong come back and they did. A couple of minutes in the 22, their big ball carriers sucked in the Hammersmith defence leaving a hole big enough for the centre to stroll through and score in the corner. The tricky conversion was missed meaning Hammersmith and Fulham had a 2 point lead heading into the final quarter of the match.

It was Pinner however who had the possession and territory; it was once again time for the Hammers defence to show what it was made of. Forwards coming off the base of the ruck, tap penalties and strong mid-field runners were time and again stopped in their tracks by players in red shirts.

As the onslaught continued the ref had enough, with the number of penalties leading to a yellow card for Karl Watson on debut. (A week before he’d been playing on the same ground for Chiswick but one night out the Hammers was all it took to convince him to come and play for the friendliest club in London!)

Trying to capitalise on the extra man advantage Pinner opted for the scrum rather than the easy 3 points. But with The American coming off his wing to help out on the flank the Hammersmith scrum held firm.

More ‘body on the line’ tackling in their own 22 resulted in a Hammers player down with a nasty cut to the head, everyone soon relaxed though on the discovery it was only Kane Hands. As a defence continue to hold strong tempers flared, punches were thrown. The resulting yellow card for Pinners tight head prop resulted in 14 men apiece for the remaining 5 minutes.

4 minutes of possession in midfield and victory was almost within Hammers grasp. One last attack from Pinner ended as the cool head of Will Deprez took a good catch under pressure, and cleared into touch. Ending a fantastic game rugby, where both teams walked off knowing they’d given everting. Although it was Hammers walking off with the all important W!

Final Score: 17-15

Man of the match – Mike Spurgeon, continuous and solid defence, putting his body on the line.

Tin Man – Tilbrook, manging to be punched by a prop and failing to land a return.

P.S Huge thanks to Chiswick Rugby Club for use of their facilities and ground.