The Battle of Farnham Bay
Captains log April 11th, 2026. We set sail on the good ship Hammer with high spirits and safe in the knowledge there was only one more encounter before we could return to port for a well-earned rest.
Farnham Bay was home to a swirling wind that was almost as fierce as the DJ they’d hired for the day. Despite a long discussion between Captn’ Tommy and Bo’sun’s mate Joe Carolan; the decision was taken out of our hands and we were to play into said wind for the first half.
Straight form the kick off we were given a lineout where up stepped Quartermaster Zak Prop…He delivered a textbook lineout which gave us false hope for the rest of the day….Play was eventually stopped on the far side as we were tackled into touch.
The next 5-10 minutes was a rocky period as we were finding our sea legs. Several silly pens and some trundling runs from the hosts saw us eventually pinned in our own 22. However, step forward Cabin Boy Josh AA! Recovering a loose ball, he stormed forward dodging the larger men all grabbing at him and headed straight for the opposition try line, leaving a wake of attempted tacklers in the way. Unfortunately, his dreams were cut short around the half way line as he was eventually caught – the offload missing fellow Cabin Boy Ben Dugdale, was recovered by Farnham who managed to run it in and draw first blood. 5-0.
The choppy seas weren’t done with us yet as head Navigator Ted Shand managed to kick the ball in the wrong direction from the kickoff gave Farnham the ball again deep in our half. On an undercover mission Captain Tommy managed to stow away in the opposition maul and secure a turnover on our own 22m line. From this point, it was full steam ahead for HMS Hammers! Bombarding the enemy lines with rounds of carries, winning the occasional scrum pen and Petty Officer Dan Whitts cleaning up any stragglers that got through. All this pressure was eventually rewarded when First Mate Tim Russell snuck over in the far corner! 5-5.
A penalty from the following kick off put us in prime position again. Following some ‘interesting’ lineouts we managed to press on and keep up the attack. Again, Tim Russell finds the same corner – you’d have thought they might have seen that coming….5-10.
After the restart, some excellent counterattack sees Old Seaman Bryce Morgan nail an impeccable 50:22; ‘that’s incredible’ cried Ted. What a boon for the boys as we marched to the 22 to pillage our spoils….oh wait…. Ref said no…. Lineout Farnham….
We eventually managed to recover the ball and continue our assault, this time Joe Carolan managed to blast through a small gap and dot it down under the posts. Much to the amusement of the DJ, he even managed to convert this one. 5-17.
Just before the half time whistle there was one more opportunity for an attack. A break up the pitch created a small gap, into which flew the human periscope Luke Wilson! In an excellent position, with great vision and terrible execution Luke attempted the pass to Bryce but alas found the touch line….half time it is.
The second half opened with a huge volley from the Long 9 Cannons as Chief Gunner Joe blasted a monster of a kick and put just 2m too much on it. Scrum back to Farnham in our 22. Strong defense forced a turnover and via a classic TP pick-and-go through the middle we were on the front foot again. The offload made its way to Periscope Luke who this time carried deep into the opposition half and recycled efficiently. With a few quick plays and some great hands, Petty officer Dan Whitts managed to find the line in the far corner. (what he was doing there I’ll never know). 24-5.
A loose pass gave away the ball following the kickoff, but we held strong and managed to clear our lines eventually. This was however, to be our last bit of respite for a while….. a storm was upon us.
The ship took heavy damage as the mast broke, scrums faltered, lineouts collapsed and our tackling nets were ripped. While desperate repairs were conducted, Farnham managed to regain all the ground we’d taken and scored 3 unanswered tries! An uncharacteristic intercept from the Petty Officer, a period where we looked more likely to catch scurvy than a ball and a very questionable pass to Old Man Jones in the crow’s nest had cost us dearly. 26-24.
Finally, with the leaks plugged and the sail back up, we struck back! With a great steal from the kickoff and some flashy hands, Ship Mascot and Mad Puppy Chris Thompson bagged the points! 26-29
Following a clean kick off receipt and well performed exit, we were met with disaster! Farnham came firing back and managed to find a gap on the wing to score again. 31-29.
We’ve faced this position many times this year and on this day, we were not going to roll over! We picked ourselves up and headed back to the fray. A penalty was awarded from the kickoff and a quick tap (courtesy of Admiral Gregory’s just f*ing play policy) led to yet another corner try for Tim Russell! 31-34.
Next score was crucial, but this time the winds were in our favour! Farnham’s kickoff was blown back over their own 10m into the hands of Luke Wilson. Several strong carries and great phase play later saw us approach their 22. A cheeky pick and go from Joe was offloaded to yours truly who crashed over to seal the deal. An easy conversion for Joe and the final scoreline was set: 31-41.
With great stoicism we held out for the last 3 minutes until the realisation set in that our final voyage had been a success! With only one minor injury incurred at the very dead where Old Seaman Bryce was bitten by a dreadful spindly killer Farnham fish! A straight red card proved a soothing balm, as we were declared victors!
A fantastic way to end the campaign and one proud Captain! Hell of a shift from all the crew but special mention to the young Cabin Lad who got man of the match.
