A villain themed Hammerwe’en, a first versus second league game, a sold-out crowd. It sounded too good to be true, it sounded like a recipe for too much fun. The top of the table clash in England’s most prolific league, Regional 2 Thames produced yet another epic encounter that would live long in the memory of the Hammers faithful. The subsequent celebrations would not. With seven bonus point wins, Hammersmith & Fulham were strong favourites but knew that a 117-point win for Old Priorians would leave them in second place.

Going into the game, the OP’s were sitting on 35 points, with six wins and one loss, and their detailed match previews, pitch-side interviews, post-match reports and weekly league summaries showed, at least, the statistical power and research capabilities of the reformed club. But they would need more than good journalism to overcome the awakening dynasty that Hammersmith had forged at the Hurlingham fortress, unbeaten in 261 days at home.

The morning of Saturday 29^th October. A decidedly autumnal day, the sun hanging in an eerie haze of clouds and smog bathed the hallowed grounds of SW6 in piercing rays of sunlight. The date added an air of mystery to the occasion with the Hammers hoping to bury the skeletons of another fateful clash last year.

The Twisters’ travelling fans had clearly got the Hammerwe’en memo and assembled an array of animated Australians, vociferously villainous. The journey down the A40 had already left them in high spirits as they quickly latched onto a fellow Aussie, heckling a certain Honey badger without hesitation.

Once the game kicked off, it was evident that both teams should have worn gloves before the game because it took several scrums to warm the hands up. Brief exchanges of rugby were played between these breaks in play before another villain turned up in the form of the Hammers discipline, a constant thorn in the side of Jacko’s squad this season. Due to their mineral deficiency, the away side opted to take the three points and slotted a penalty for an early lead. 0 – 3. However, their lead did not last long, three phases to be exact, as the Fairy Godmother danced his way through the outside backs of the opposition to offload to the omnipresent Matt Killeen. Joe Carolan missed conversion. 5 – 3.

On the side-lines, Social Sec Rich Vaughan, taking a day off from beating cancer, haunted the Old Priorian backline from minute one with a costume perfectly describing the OPs flyhalf. Instead of making pencils vanish, Rich decided to make pints disappear and performed the trick several times during the opening ten minutes, each as entertaining as the last.

Former Hammers hero and Vice-President Andrew Rogan became the latest villain after his scrummaging was questioned and his brief interaction with the referee had the home side walking back ten metres. Rogan responded with some harmless French but unfortunately it was lost in translation, and he received a slice of cheese for dissent. A man down and in their own 22, the Hammers team ought to buy defensive coach Swaino a pint. His drills manifested in a mutinous defensive set resulting in a turnover, followed by a wind-assisted 50 – 22 attacking kick from Ross Anderson left Hammersmith with a lineout in the opposition 22.

After one of the cutest streakers Hurlingham park has ever seen and the cocker-spaniel was safely returned to its slightly embarrassed owner, the OP’s surged forwards with direct running and crisp passing. There was trickery involved in their next try as a backrow juggled the ball forward and sideways. This illusion dumbfounded the Hammers defence and a smart off-load led to a try through the middle. Missed conversion, 5 – 8.

Hammersmith & Fulham fought back with clever kicks and strong set-plays gaining territory fast culminating in lineout on OP’s five-metre line. Continuing his rich vein of form, the insatiable Matt Killeen scored his 17^th try of the season through a clever reverse move engineered by the wand of the Weaver and quick hands from Ed Haynes. Carolan conversion, 12 – 8.

A slow start to the second half forced the fullbacks into a game of rugby tennis with neither team gaining an advantage. By this stage both teams were hitting hard and tackler harder, Tim Russell forgot he could step and bulldozed his opposite number to the delight of the crowd. With all the grace and guile of his Hammerwe’en costume, Ed ‘Waluigi’ Haynes head-butted Matt Killeen, probably hoping to see Dr. Steve John later at A&E. Both received attention on the side-lines with only the flying winger returning to play.

Without our sturdy flanker turned centre, Old Priorians capitalised and scored a driving maul that was converted to leave the score, 12 – 15 after 50 minutes. But anything that the Twisters can do, the Hammers do as well with Zander ‘No Naked Lap’ Stephens scoring off a similar move. Joe Carolan missed conversion, 17 – 15. A dislocated shoulder for Matt Killeen should allow the rest of the country to catch up with his try-scoring exploits but we wish him well and a speedy recovery.

In character, Rich Vaughan quipped “Nobody panics when things go “according to plan”. Even if the plan is horrifying!”. The plan: 21 phases in the opposition 22. The Hammers had trained for this but had never gotten past three phases without Matt Killeen scoring. Without their try-scoring talisman, the task seemed daunting, and they were in unfamiliar territory. Ross Anderson was glad of his connection to his costume choice for the evening. The red tree, so often a villain on Tuesday and Thursday training, became the saviour in a stoic twenty minutes. Running back and forth between rucks, he kept the forwards well fed by repeatedly putting the ball on a plate for them as the phase count continued to rise. Similar to a lager-beer in the Wolfpack on a dark and drizzly night, the backline was too flat and lacked the creativity to utilise the prolonged possession.

The Proctor’s pack took it upon themselves to propel the team towards the try-line. Ed Wynne, Josh Smith, and Ricky Drewitt led relentlessly, levelling any poor soul in their way; Steve John and Tom Proctor hunted like a pack of dogs clearing ruck after ruck. Why only have one Alex in the second row when you can have two? Huge carries from Harty and Spice drove the Hammers forward, but Carolan’s cohort were unable to breach an impressive Old Priorian defence.

After being told to cut his hair and tie his shoelaces back up by the avid away fans, the extremely very pacy Tim Russell dotted down in the corner after slick hands from J-Lo and Marshall McCleod. Credit to DJ MC-Cloud for assisting the bonus point try, which he later recollected in great detail at the Temperance as everyone, bar the kitchen staff were told. Joe Carolan missed conversion, 22 – 15.

Ross Anderson finished the game with a kick to touch to seal an emphatic win, confirming to the league that no one is safe in Hammersmith’s march towards promotion. Leading points scorer in the country, Joe Carolan increased his advantage by only scoring two points.

Final Score: 22 – 15

Scorers:

Matt Killeen x2

Zander Stephens

Tim Russell

Conversions:

Joe Carolan x1

As luck would have it the sun was out at Hurlingham Park last Saturday, but many puddles remained on the pitch after the torrential down pours during the week. I’ll come back to one puddle in particular in due course.

The atmosphere was a little subdued, not sure why. After a tentative warm-up and a bit of ground maintenance by Seb Money, filling in a giant rabbit hole, the game kicked off against Whitton Lions. They were definitely the bigger team, but we were determined and kicked off well and after a crunching first hit, Whitton Lions were on the back foot. Following a knock-on, we had an attacking scrum on the left hand side, which we won, but the follow on move did not go so well. Undeterred, we kept making meters as Whitton Lions kept kicking us the ball as they cleared their lines. Finally, off an attacking scrum, Charlie Parry trundled over the line thinking that he had scored. But it was not be, the ball was held up by Whitton Lions. Several phases later, after some well executed play, Charlie Parry did earn us some points, which were topped up by the conversion.

More phases were played and following a clearing kick, a long game of ‘kick tennis’ began. Several minutes later, and following some angry looks form the forwards, who were starting to feel left out, Nathan Wooley made a darting run up the right hand side of the touch line. He launched a floating pass (well suited to a basketball court) causing a moment of confusion between Joel Mariner and Jake Cheetham as they both jumped up to receive the pass. Joel Mariner got the better airborne position, caught the ball and Jake Cheetham landed face down in the one muddle puddle on the entire pitch. He stumbled to his feet, arm out-stretched requesting a towel service to wipe his hands, which was met with much hysterical laughter. With no towel forthcoming Nathan Wooley obliged with his shirt – the youth of today!

The next score came from Whitton Lions off a driving maul, closely followed by a well executed try from Cyprian Dumont, his first of the day, followed by a successful conversion. All set for half time, Hammersmith & Fulham, let their guard down and Whitton Lions squeezed in another try from a pick and go – two meters out from the base of the ruck. Half time, finally.

The second half was less frantic. The first score came from Hammersmith & Fulham. Cyprian Dumont made a line break and gave a ‘Sonny Bill Williams -esque’ offload to Joel Mariner who walked in untouched under the posts. Lovely! Whitton Lions responded with another try after a favourable bounce, but no conversion followed. Hammers maintained their lead.

After a very well placed penalty kick into to the corner by Joel Mariner, the forwards produced more excellent phases of play resulting in Cyprian Dumont crashing over the line for his second try. Seb Money, true to form, picked his moment to make substitutions – the entire bench – giving us fresh legs. With a spring in our stride, Seb Norris was a able to score in the corner, putting Hammers further ahead. Not to be out done, Whitton Lions slipped in another try, and successfully converted. With the score line tight, Hammers were not done yet clocking up points. Seb Norris charged up the pitch and was tackled by the fullback, but with Hammers reinforcements on hand to continue to make up ground to the 5 meter line, the ball magically arrived back in Seb Norris’ hands and he walked over the the line. Our stamina prevailed and we successfully controlled a late surge by Whitton Lions. Final score 40-24 to the mighty Hammers, hard fought and well. deserved victory.

MOTM Cypian Dumont
DOTD Jake Cheetham

A loss never felt so much like a win. After a solid warm-up, the Hammers were ready and raring to kick off.

Reading got off to an impressive start and scored 4 trys during the match, however a good defensive effort and some excellent dominant tackles prevented Reading’s score line from increasing.
As well as shining defensively, the Hammers were a cohesive unit with an excellent attitude and excellent communication. Although not meant to be, consistency from the forwards followed by speed and skill from the backs set us up for a few try near-misses.
Sunday’s performance was a sign of things to come for the Hammers 2s, as with regular training to fine-tune key points for improvement, the Hammers 2s gave the makings of a formidable side. NC1, we’re coming for you.

Back Of The Match – went to Sian for her impressive work rate throughout the game

Forward Of The Match – went to Mirriam with a splendid return to match day rugby. Bossing it at hooker, making metres and strong tackles across the pitch. 

 

The world is changed. I feel it in the water. I feel it in the earth. I smell it in the air. Much that once was is lost. The world is changed. Ed Wynne and Scott Van Berkel are out injured attempting to carry the weight of Jacob Poulton’s inflated sense of TrussEconomics. Ollie Weaver decided that taking part in a run for charity was more important than another weekend of missing kicks to touch. Could Hammers live up to previous weeks with such changes to their lineup? Only time would tell…

The game started as confidently as Kwasi Kwarteng’s plan for the economy. Alex Hart plucked the ball from the sky and exit errors were compounded by handing errors. Fullerians scored in the corner. The response was simple and effective, unlike the Conservatives attempt at stablising the markets. Matt Killen shrugged off rumours of his move to Real Madrid and brilliantly scored in the corner after some hard work from the pack to build field position.

Fullerians replied and demonstrated the reason why they so respected in the league. Firstly, they scored a try in the corner off a scrum and then knocked over a penalty. Hammers were shocked. They hadn’t been down before like this. They were desperately defending their line like the men from Helms Deep. Recognising the need for leadership, Tim Russell rode into a swarm of Fullerian defenders and completed the only in tackle offload of the game. The move ended in a well worked try in the corner. From that point Hammers took control and decided to let their resident conservative trundle over the line.

The second half demonstrated with impact of Ian Burbridge on the side. The side’s fitness decided the game with tries from Joe Carolan and BRUCE. James Lo verbally questioned an oppositions rugby ability and earnt slice of cheddar. At the end of the game Alex Spicer’s 50m sprint-> jog-> walk line break was completed by a Jacob Poulton Sonny Bill NFL Hail Mary. The game ended with a 5 point win for Hammers and showed why the RFU had decided to come film the “greatest club in the world”.