Up the Bastard 2s!!!

So after being pasted 76-0 at home by London Kiwis, Old Streetonians pulled out of the game on Thursday morning handing us the league. Yes, you heard that right, the Bastard 2s have won the league!!

The early cancellation of the game did however provide us with time to arrange a celebratory lunch for us all to regale in stories from the season and offer each other well earned congratulations. So, Captain Fantastic, James Lalor set about organising a pub and the Bastard 2s headed down to The George in Windsor in full number 1s to fill their bellies with beer and burgers before cheering on the 1s in their quest to bring home their league against bottom of the table Windsor RFC.

This “Lunch Report” is therefore a celebration of all the good we did this season. It started with some of the usual fines allotted out to help lubricate us before our burgers, fish and chips and Ben Osgood’s ham and eggs arrived which was then swiftly followed by an informal awards ceremony where some top quality medals being handed out to the lucky winners. This season’s winners are:

Top Try scorer

This was rather unsurprisingly done first as it was James Lalor and he wanted to give himself the first medal… 12 tries in all across the season, not a bad shift even if a few of those came off the back of our (mostly mine) excellent scrummaging.

Top Points Scorer

Another unsurprising one as this went to the walkovers! We had 6 in total which is a tad depressing… let’s hope rugby picks up again even if the RFU are trying their best to push even more players out of the game. I suppose if we have to give it to a player then we could give it to Max Dugdale who scored 45 out of 59 conversions (and I think some tries) which at 76% means he’s far better than Owen Farrell in an England shirt!

Best Try

Quite a few contenders for this given some of the joué we’ve played this year but a clear winner for George Nellany’s screamer against Rosslyn Park (don’t remember which one) where he went from one corner to the opposite burning up the plastic turf along the way.

Moment of the season

This one was easy… Josh Asafu-Adjaye got it for scoring in the 84th minute against Belsize Park and effectively winning the league for us. Incredible moment that sent the whole of Regent’s Park into raptures. He even managed to keep hold of his kit at the end of the night this time!

Dick of the season

Tough category this one… special mentions go to Matt Smitherman for always being late, Cookie for submitting the score late and costing us a point and of course the Dugdales for, well, being Dugdales. But the winner had to be Dougy Maxwell for not putting the ball down over the try line against Cornish which could’ve sealed the league a week early.

Best Alacadoo

Ben Osgood for his ever present beer, gilet and tour blazer combo. A fair better look than his pink rugby boots…

Best Twins

The Vaughans of course, very little competition on this one after all 😉

Best Coach

Special mention has to go to Nugget who managed to win 2 leagues in one weekend but no one can match Huw Parks and his two games in the coach’s jacket.

Best Injury

Another tough category with nominations including James Maddigan getting hit in the plumbs, Ben Osgood’s concussion, Huw Parks’ concussion, Max Dugdale’s concussion, Dylan Bliski’s concussion (the RFU might be onto something…) but the winner had to be Sandy Duncan for getting sniped in the hamstring as he was running through to score in the only game where we were nilled this season. Really could’ve done with that try just for a bit of pride.

The Good Egg prize

Given for always bringing his speaker, grabbing the kit, water bottles, med bag, warming the bench when he didn’t want to and many other things that just generally go unnoticed, including writing excellent match reports, this went to two time try scorer in the season (5 tries if you count all the push over scrums that Ash or Lalor pinched) Rob McKeon.

Rig of the Year

Hotly contested (p

un intended) between a couple of lads in the backs but the award went to James Maddigan narrowly edging out George Nellany. Every front rower who played this season was gracious enough to concede this one so the backs could win it for once.

And finally the highest award of the day: Most Improved

There could only be one contender for this given he’s now a fully-fledged member of the front row; Ash Mitchell who celebrated by stealing a dog, classic Ash! He’ll be up for the award next year too if he manages to hit some lineouts. Hopefully he improves his haircuts but that might be a stretch…

Well-deserved lads, some of the rugby we’ve played this year has been truly special. With new jewellery adorned and the stomachs replete the Bastard 2s had a bit of a sing along in the pub to Country Roads and We Are The Champions before heading over to watch the 1s play in the shadow of Windsor Castle. What a beautiful backdrop for a spot of rugby and the sun came out to make the photos look even better. I won’t provide a report on the 1s game, not just because I was too drunk to remember it, but because I was paying more attention to the hymn sheet than the game so head over to the website to get the lowdown. SPOILER ALERT they won, so we went to the bar to watch the 6 nations and make it well known to all at Windsor RFC that the Bastard 2s were champions.

The best moment of the day however came shortly after Windsor’s live music act offered us a rendition of Country Roads when Steve Harris, in nought but his Oddballs Budgie Smugglers, sprinted through the bar to grab us and tell us to get in the changing room because the 1s had won the league! Cue utter pandemonium as 50 odd piled in together to create a lifelong memory which even the copious amounts of beer we were about to drink couldn’t dull. What an incredible moment for the club and great reward for all of us who poured our heart and souls into season. We celebrated long into the night with multiple pubs visited in Windsor (I can’t remember which one didn’t serve us) before shoe-ys on the train from Captain Joe’s boot and a couple of stops on the way back to the Temperance. Someone else will have to fill you in on what happened in the Durell or Le Fez as I had headed home by that point!

What a day, what a night, what a weekend… what a time to be a Hammer. I’ll sign off for the year in the words of the great Ross Anderson “It’s good to be good, but it’s fucking great to be great!” Up the Bastard 2s


It truly was a squad effort so I thought it would be a nice gesture to list all of the 70+ lads who played for the team this year:

Adam Crompton Cyprien Dumont Jack Hooper Milo Story
Adam Howell Dan Arase Jack MacGregor Pete Clark
Adam Stannard Dan Gispert Jake Cheetham Rich Vaughan
Ainsley Howard Dan Whitaker Jake Sopher Richard Moon
Alexander Chong Kwan Doug Maxwell James Lalor Rob McKeon
Alfie Clouston Dylan Bliski James Lo Rob Vaughan
Andrew Rogan Ed Farrer James Maddigan Robbie Murdoch
Ash Mitchell Ed Wynne Jamie Grist Rory Gibson
Ben Dugdale Fergus Macmillan Josh Asafu-Adjaye Rory Nichol
Ben Hatton George Nellany Logan Collins Ross Anderson
Ben Hibberd Gethin Bugler Marshall Macleod Sam Monkley
Ben Navavi Hadyn Gouldie Mart Oomen Sandy Duncan
Ben Osborne Harrison Moy Matt Newman Scott Van Berckell
Bryce Morgan Harry Brace Matt Smitherman Will Donegan
Charlie Keane Hugh Symons Matthew Jones Will Parker
Chris Ralph Huw Parks Max Dugdale Zak Underwood
Connor Sprutz Jack Bonner Mike Cook Zander Stephen
Conor Burke Jack Costello Ollie Weaver



Full list of Results:

Home Score Away
Hammersmith & Fulham II HWO Old Streetonians II
Hammersmith & Fulham II 24 – 33 New Zealand Kiwis
London Cornish 2nd XV AWO Hammersmith & Fulham II
Hammersmith & Fulham II HWO Old Haberdashers 2nd XV
Rosslyn Park 4th XV 7 – 24 Hammersmith & Fulham II
Hammersmith & Fulham II 57 – 14 Belsize Park II
H.A.C II 18 – 13 Hammersmith & Fulham II
Hammersmith & Fulham II HWO London Welsh Druids
Rosslyn Park Bs 22 – 44 Hammersmith & Fulham II
New Zealand Kiwis 17 – 43 Hammersmith & Fulham II
Old Haberdashers 2nd XV AWO Hammersmith & Fulham II
Hammersmith & Fulham II 60 – 27 Rosslyn Park 4th XV
Belsize Park II 36 – 37 Hammersmith & Fulham II
Hammersmith & Fulham II 49 – 19 H.A.C II
London Welsh Druids 19 – 15 Hammersmith & Fulham II
Hammersmith & Fulham II 38 – 8 London Cornish 2nd XV
Hammersmith & Fulham II 18 – 5 Rosslyn Park Bs
Old Streetonians II AWO Hammersmith & Fulham II