Hammers leave it to the last second!

I, Ben Hatton, start this match report thinking its going to be quite Canadian in its content, as it will be based around two apologies. Let’s kick things off though with the first; I am rubbish at remembering events. Piled onto this the fact is that I didn’t know I was going to be doing this meant that I took no notes of what happened. So if I miss that moment of delicious ruggers that you’ve been drooling over for the past few days, I can only apologise.

Windsor were the opposition on a brisk yet bright Spring day, and the boys arrived knowing that nothing but a bonus point win would be acceptable. The “Bastard 2s” also made the trip down to provide amazing, vocal, and well-lubricated support from the sidelines. Their hooker loved every minute… Mark unfortunately was away but the delectable ‘Le Nuge’ and the incomparable Stephen Organised Fun” Harris were there to look after the lads.

After a strong warm up the boys played into the wind in the first half, but soon found it tough going. Handling errors mixed with a little indiscipline meant that the Hammers spent much of the opening stanza penned in, but some solid defence kept Windsor’s respectable attack at bay. Eventually from a kick return, the ball was thrown wide. ‘Tim Tim oh my Tim’ hit a beautiful line on the switch and scythed through the defence like an inconspicuous iguana. Easy conversion from ‘Carolaña’ and Hammers went into halftime 7-0 up.

Straight after the second half started Hammers scored again, with ‘señorita Carolaña’ getting the offload away to Tim ‘Le Snack’ Russell who drew in the 15 and put in ‘my head’s full of Bryce’ who dotted down. Unfortunately, Hammers got complacent – Windsor came straight back at the boys and banged away on the Hammers try line.  More penalties resulted, with the boys deeply frustrated that even when they strung together a sexy bit of play, unforced errors led to needless yards lost through indiscipline.  Eventually, Windsor fought their way over.  Well-played.

The Hammers then started to lose their heads and make the challenge of reaching 4 try target much harder to achieve. ‘Tickle that Zak’ got a team yellow for not rolling away, despite his protestations about being held in and couldn’t move.  He was followed by ‘Tinn Russell’ got a yellow for making a poor attempt at the high tackle.

At this point it dawned on our heroes that if they had any notions of getting promoted, they’d have to dig in, and dig in they did.  Against the run of play, the next score came from ‘great Scott!’ (Back to the Future reference), capitalising off the back of some powerful forward work and a scrum that was making meters.  Twas, beautiful forward-dominated rugby, with good hands and forward momentum, backed by a vociferous hammer crowd.

At this point, ‘Zak Efron’ returned to the field after his yellow, only to see his team mate, Bryce “Bruce” Morgan getting filled in by Windsor’s 7 foot tall 9.  Zac decides to save him, throws a few handbags, only to receive his second yellow of the game, racking up an impressive 9 minutes of game time. Hey ho, that’s rugby isn’t it?

The boys were now in a race against the clock – 14 men on, 4 minutes left, 1 try needed to get the must-win bonus point.  Windsor played conservatively and kept the ball under their jumpers, and had that pattern continued they would’ve prevented our heroes prevailing – but wait…

Dr Steve “Do I tell you I’m a doctor?” John….

Yes, the talisman had returned after his self-imposed exile.  A little smaller, a little flabbier in certain places, replete with his usual average banta, but no one can get a turn over like Steve John.  And he came through like the master proctologist he is – getting his hands in the tight spaces and manhandling the ball until Windsor relented and gave it up.

The boys were on, but they were in their own 22 – any error or kick to touch would see the game end.  So they kept it alive.  Powerful runs from Spicer and Harty up the middle battered their way over the Windsor line.  Inches, then meters gained. Desperate hands from Pete Morris and thundering clears from Poulton…more inches…more meters…the boys fought their way into the 22 but they were starting to flag after 80+ minutes…could they get that score…

Step forth “In Joe we trust” Carolan.  Shaking not one, not two, but three defenders, the RFU’s almost-leading try scorer broke through the Windsor defence and scooted under the posts to get the bonus point and effectively win us the league! Cue fireworks, cue tears of joy, cue lots of sweaty jumping :). Massive thanks to the Bastard 2’s for making such an unbelievable atmosphere.

Final score: 26-7 W

MOTM: Alex Spicer,

DOTD: Zak Underwood