Heavy-Hearted Hampstead onto a Hiding at the Hands of Hammers

Winter’s long-awaited arrival had rendered October’s final matchweeks a stormy washout, but mother nature smiled kindly down on Hurlingham Park as two West London rivals locked horns in Fulham at the break of November, 6 months on from their ferocious encounter in last season’s play-off final.

With the weather calmed and the sun peaking through the final vestiges of an ethereal Autumn sky, the scene was set for two of London’s poshest clubs to politely assert their case for “best middling reserve team in central-west-ish London”.

It would prove to be a competitive encounter between two sides with plenty to prove, a few old scores to settle, and varying interpretations of what constitutes adequate preparation for a rugby match (see graph of “average Friday beers consumed” vs. “average Friday bedtime” data, below).

What followed was an entertaining 70 minutes of running rugby, questionable decision-making, plethora moments of genuine quality and, inevitably, a few acts that will be quietly omitted from the official club highlights reel.

Hammers wasted little time getting the scoreboard ticking. Ramon crossed for the opening try after 5 mins, with Opie adding the extras to give the hosts an early 7–0 advantage. Hampstead responded with a fortunate try of their own, but Ramon was clearly in no mood to share the afternoon’s limelight, shrugging off half-hearted (and some full-hearted) fringe defence to grab his second and restore the Hammers’ advantage at 12–5.

A couple of early contenders for DOTD included debutant Jamie Truell, playing his first game of competitive rugby in 7 years, knocking on with the first touch of the game only to narrowly avoid seeing yellow for a blatant knock-down in the following phase play. As a full-time paediatrics doctor, we can only assume he was bamboozled by the full-size balls.

Another was Ollie Morris, who after calmly declaring he’d be ‘comfortable’ at full-back, comfortably knocked a comfortable-height ball comfortably into the hands of Hampstead’s winger, who finished (comfortably) in the corner.

Hampstead again found a way back into the contest, but Hammers were beginning to find their rhythm. Opie got himself over the whitewash with options aplenty outside him, before calmly converting his own efforts, extending the lead to 19–10 following a cheeky step inside his opposite man. A further Hampstead score followed, ensuring that the visitors remained frustratingly within touching distance.

However, any thoughts of a Hampstead comeback were soon being put to bed. After captain Smith finally pulled out the hairdryer following another gifted try to the oppo, Hammers got into gear, slaughtering and smothering in defence, defiantly defending their try line for 10+ phases, and taking the game deep into the Hampstead half.

With the Chunky Dream Team (™) of Jordan Brown and Oscar Newcombe reunited, Hammers’ heavyweights powered scrum after Hampstead scrum into the Thames, and, on the back of a flurry of lineout drives that would induce a purr from Paul O’Connell, #8 Harvey Burn powered over for the next score, before quick hands from the backs put Louis Schofield through for another to stretch the advantage and put some daylight between the teams.

A thoroughly deserved MOTM award went to George Riley who put in a vintage flanker’s performance which, on balance of the Welsh effort against Japan later that afternoon, is more likely to get him a tap on the shoulder from Steve Tandy than Alan Nugget.

On came the bomb squad; Jasper Fraser got in on the action from the wing as the boys went coast to coast, and Hampstead crumbled under the pressure with successive pens resulting in their talismanic 7 receiving his marching orders.

Opie crossed again for his second of the afternoon, once again converting, to take the score to an unassailable 41–17.

And whilst Hampstead managed to respond with another try, Hammers had the final word, going try line to try line with the clock in the red – Brandon Le Snack back in Red & White and back from punching boys to punching holes in the oppo, on at 11, feeding Smith to set up Nursey to dot down under the sticks.

Conversion missed*. Final score Hammers 46-24 Hampstead. Hammers top the league – if they can keep their numbers up, they will be a force to be reckoned with this season.

*Editor’s Note: Captain Smith generously facilitated a speedier changing room beer for all by taking a quick conversion, deliberately sending it just wide so as not to hurt the feelings of his kicker. A wise man who we can all aspire to emulate with such sacrifices.