A warmer than expected mid-October day saw the Hammers take on their latest opposition in Tunbridge Wells, a team who had started the season well. With the sun shining down at Hurlingham, and anticipation was building in the hope for our first league win.

Kick off saw a pressure filled chase with the Hammers hunting their first collision. The desire to get off the line and make an impact early on was halted quickly, with our ever impressing lumberjack 7 giving away a high tackle with his first shot. A well executed lineout, some quick hands in the backs, and a good kick in behind caught the hammers cold. 7 points down after just a minute gone.

Eager to put their poor start behind them, the hammers regained possession in Tunbridge’s half, looking to build a strong attacking platform. Silly errors saw Wells turn the ball over and score a break away try. 14-0. 21-0 and then 28-0. The Hammers desperately needed t respond and gain a foothold in the game.

Finally, some possession. All 8 of the Hammers pack, aggressively working round the corner and calmly holding the ball, gave the back line their first opportunity to cause some havoc. On his 100th appearance for the club, Joe C delayed the pass perfectly allowing Jake Paul aka The Pound Shop Ibiza Boss to break the line and score. 28-7.

The match saw Joe Carolan hit 100 caps.

This momentum shift was huge, and the Hammers were hungry for more. Again, the pack stayed in the fight at maul time, and a well ‘engaged’ rumble allowed hooker Dan H over the line. 28-14. A come back on?

The first half ended 35-14 after The Hammers were caught napping down the blindside of the scrum in their 22. Despite slow start costing them early points, they remained very much alive in the fight.

The second half saw more of the same. Hammersmith absorbing lots of pressure on their own line, building pressure up the pitch, but silly mistakes costing them chances to make a dent to the scoreboard. Karma really does exist, Marshall suffering a harsh yellow card, serving him right for publicly mugging me off mid week on the group chat. HA. 😉

A classic Tim Russell counter attack was finished off, giving the Hammersmith fans and players the hunger to chase for a bonus point.

Another strong mauling effort from the Hammers pack saw our skipper crash over giving the boys a much needed and deserved try bonus point.

I think it’s fair to say there was a huge step forward in attacking presence, patience on the ball, and desire to stay in the fight for the full 80. Things are genuinely coming together, week by week, session by session, and this is reflected in the recent performances. Heading into this weekend, there should be much excitement building in this group, with 2, hopefully 3 massive fixtures.

Of course shout out to Dan & Emily on their engagement this week, and to Joe for 100 up for the club – massive congratulations to both on behalf of everyone at Hammersmith and Fulham.

#COMYH

A trip north to Pinner and Grammarians was on the cards for a very strong looking third XV. The crowd (two dogs and someone’s girlfriend) were treated to a glorious October day, and a red and white performance that was as sharp as the studs on Rob McKeon’s illegally long boots.

Pinner started brightly, moving the ball well and even threatening the Hammers’ half in the opening exchanges. But as quickly as they arrived, they evaporated — folding like a dodgy camping chair as soon as the first big carry came their way.

That carry, inevitably, came from Will Keyte. Man of the Match for a reason, he bulldozed through the middle of the park like a man late for his train and unwilling to walk around tourists. His carries had the Pinner back row checking their life insurance, and his work rate in defence was equally punishing.

The Hammers only led at half time 12-0 after a slow start, with the scores coming from Rob McKeon after a solid line out maul and Oscar Newcombe touching down after some good phase play, and truth be told were hampering themselves by trying a little too hard to score. However once the gates opened, it was a procession. A brace each from Fergus Cassidy and Gabe (surname TBC pending bar tab settlement) set the tone for a second half try-fest with the aforementioned wrecking ball Keyte completing the rout. In fairness, the boys probably left three or four more out there.

(Well, George Riley certainly did. A clear run-in, the line begging, the crowd already celebrating — and then… SPLAT. The ball hit the turf like a dropped pint. A clear-cut Dick of the Day only just beating Olly Bennett to the free pint by the skin of his teeth for doing the very same thing but only a bit further out! To coin a phrase from Al “it’s a game of inches”).

Despite the scoreboard domination, it wasn’t all rosy. Kick-off reception remains the Achilles heel of the 3s — with several restarts going uncontested, unclaimed, or simply misunderstood. Something to work on before sterner tests arrive.

In defence, however, the Hammers were granite. Pinner huffed and puffed, but the red wall stood firm. Not one single point conceded — a rare feat at this level, and a source of particular pride as the full-time whistle blew. Captain Rob McKeon, ever the showman, celebrated the clean sheet by literally handing out doughnuts to the squad afterwards — courtesy of a post-match box of Krispy Kremes. Poetry.

With fish balls and salt beef sandwiches laid out post-match (a combo someone described as “curiously Baltic”), the squad retired to the Temperance, carried by the Overground and several cans of Stella. Spirits high. Arms tired. Shirts stained.

A dominant win. A team finding its rhythm. And an ominous sign for whoever lines up across from them next.

Hammers are back baby! After a long and lonely summer, with only bright sunshine, bbq and beers, and pain-free Sunday mornings to get us through these dark and dreary months your favourite South West London amateur sports club is once again competing in Region 1 South Central and kicking off the season against newly promoted Farnham. With some new faces dotted throughout a largely familiar 1st XV, our new Director of Rugby Ryan Gregory looked to blend fresh vigour with experienced heads.

Hammers were playing into the wind and kicking off to start the match, flyhalf Ollie Weaver steps up confidently, has a few practice bounces for good measure, smoothly pulls back the right peg as he drops the ball and then… completely misses the ball. Slightly rosy cheeked, the Hammers flyhalf does his best Oliver Twist impression when he turns pleadingly to the ref to ask for just one more attempt please sir. The ref regretfully denies Mr Weaver his breakfast ball and awards a scrum to Farnham on the halfway line. Slightly bemused, the Farnham pack approaches wondering if the new Hammers head coach has come from the Rassie Erasmus school of out of the box coaching methods, and whether they are about to get a rogering at the forthcoming set piece. 2 minutes later the ball was away from the scrum cleanly, Farnhams newly promoted minds at ease that Andrew Rogan was not Thomas du Toit’s older brother and they can live with the levels of scrummaging in Regional 1 rugby.

Hammers proceeded to spend the first fifteen minutes of the game exploring every possible avenue to put themselves under pressure. We had; penalties, 50/22s, loose offloads, kicking straight to touch, missing touch from penalties, knock ons, and more. The get out of jail free card for this period was the excellence of the pack at defensive line outs. Last years barnstorming second row partnership, Seb Rivett and skipper Tom Proctor have been promoted to play 7 and 8 respectively, making way for Alex Spicer, newly returned from the antipodes where he was sent by the home office to undergo a thorough in-person inspection of the Australian unemployment line. Lining up alongside him in the engine room and providing some welcome heft at set piece is a new Hammer this year, Luke Wilson. These four proceeded to make life hell for the Farnham hooker, pinching his first three throws and forcing his next two to end up too long.

After weathering this early and self-inflicted storm, Hammers started to play some more fluent rugby. New centre partnership Sandy Duncan and Charlie Scott both carried strongly and linked together well before a contestable box kick was hoisted high by scrumhalf and eventual man-of-the-match Ben Dugdale. Several hammers pressured the Farnham fullback but Tim ‘Le Snack’ Russell rose highest to claim the ball, and then offloaded nicely out of contact to his fellow winger ‘1.6kms O’Connor’ who raced away to bag the first score of the match. Upon the resumption of play Hammers smoothly exited the restart, with another excellent chase winning a penalty in midfield which gave an attacking lineout on the Farnham 22. Hammers worked through the phases from this set piece nicely before coming back to the short side to release fullback Marshall MacLeod on the break who had Tim Russell on his shoulder to give a 2 on 1 with the fullback and Timmy strolled over to give Hammers a 12-0 lead.

After the restart and Hammers exit another Farnham overthrow at lineout time gave debutant Gus Wilbourn room to stretch his legs and he made a fine break deep into Farnham’s half, with the move only breaking down due to some illegal defence from the Farnham winger and a penalty awarded to hammers. Alas, touch was missed and Farnham worked the ball wide to break down the opposite wing. The next ten minutes were spent in the Hammers half, with both teams playing back and forth before a series of mistakes and penalties gave Farnham extended time on the Hammers line, eventually scoring out wide. It was a well-earned return from a period of extended pressure.

The next two Farnham scores were less well-earned and more gifted it has to be said. The Hammers restart went straight to touch, and from the scrum Farnham broke through in midfield to get into the Hammers 22, before spreading it wide to score again. The next restart was kept infield, and Hammers managed to get a charge down of the attempted Farnham exit. However a soft turnover in a midfield carry gave the ball back to Farnham and they kicked deep into a disorganised Hammers backfield. Scrambling to cover, MacLeod proceeded to completely guddle the catch straight into the path of two Farnham chasers who couldn’t believe their luck and hacked the ball all the way to the hammers try line and only some tidy defensive cover from Ben Dugdale saved a score. However it was merely a stay of execution as Farnham got the shove on from the 5m scrum before their number 8 picked and carried over to score. Hammers were reeling from this rapid fire trio of scores and went into the sheds at halftime 12-17 down, having been in complete control at the 30 minute mark.

In the second half the game opened up a fair bit although still played mostly between the 22s, both teams feeling the strain of the first real 40 mins of the season and gaps opening up. Hammers had brought on substitutes Dan Whitaker, Dan Hostetler, and Emile Binse and all three brought energy and aggression. Farnham struck first, a halfbeak through the tackle followed by an excellent offload and a missed tackle in backfield and they were under the sticks again to go 12-24 ahead. Time for some Gallic flair. A set piece move off a Hammers scrum, with an excellent offload from Charlie, and then great hands from Tim and Miles sent Emile scampering down the left wing, before he pulled off a one handed offload back in to Miles that was more french than an adulterous snail surrendering in a garlic field. Miles scored in the corner and at 17-24 the game was back on.

With their tails up, Hammers forced repeated penalties from the Farnham defence resulting in a yellow card but could not turn this pressure into points. Farnham turned the tables with two lineout steals on the bounce, before Alex Spicer confused his support runners with an attempted goosey in midfield, and as they stared astonished Farnham managed to pilfer possession. From this turnover Farnham broke down the left wing before spreading the ball across and scoring on the right side, 17-29. From the restart Emile and Timmy broke down the wing unfortunately the finishing pass just wasn’t held, but a Farnham penalty gave Hammers a lineout deep in their 22. The call was to the back (shock) and a well executed throw and maul rumbled over the line, conversion made leaving it 24-29.

For the last five minutes Hammers fought hard to get into the Farnham half and were putting pressure on them through multiple strong carries and quick phases however a knock on in dead time killed their hopes of a comeback. Credit to Farnham, a very strong start at Regional 1 and if they continue to take their chances as they did at Hurlingham Park then Hammers will not be the last scalp they claim this season. Hammers were hot and cold, at times looking resplendent and at others with more cobwebs than Rogan’s wallet when he finally gets a round in. Hammers go away to Maidenhead next week and then host Old Alleynians at Hurlingham.

First League game of the season. The day when boys become men, men become wheezy, and the Bastards discover whether anyone actually did enough pre-season. The Bastards arrived with quiet menace for their latest test against Horsham 2s.

Horsham arrived with a heavyweight pack and a backline fresh from GCSE results day, but looking eager to stretch their legs after last season’s narrow win. Hammers kicked off, Horsham spilled, and it was scrum down – Hammers ball. Horsham flexed early with a dominant shove, stealing possession and running it back at us. A penalty soon followed, pinning us deep in our own half. A couple of sloppy errors later and Horsham were over for the softest of opening tries.

0–5 Horsham.

A wobble? Not so. Geoff Mahon stepped up with a clinical penalty kick, steadying the ship at 3–5. From there, the Bastards began to show teeth — showing Horsham it’s not about going in hard and fast, but knowing when to finish.

With no replacements in sight, the front row trio of Dan Ah Kuoi, Paddy O’Toole, and Ed Wynne were staring down 80 minutes of graft. Luckily, months of strict summer conditioning – avoiding cardio like my ex avoids my calls – had them primed for the task. The lineout was a banker all afternoon, with Paddy ‘The Nuke’ O’Toole lobbing darts all day. The first big blow landed via Dylan Bilski: a beautifully worked maul rumbled forward, the tiniest of gaps appeared, and Dylan snuck through it like an illegal through the southern border. Geoff’s boot made it 10–5. Another penalty soon after stretched the lead to 13–5, the Bastards heading into half-time ahead but well aware Horsham weren’t done.

The second half began like the first: Horsham piling on pressure. Their persistence finally paid off with a converted try, bringing it to 13–12. The Bastards bent but did not break – the defensive work rate from Kioko Searle-Mbullu and Thomas Hughes in open defensive play delivering some menacing hits.

Then came the surge. From inside our own half, our attacking shape began to pay off. A well-worked tip followed by offloads that actually found hands carried us to within the 20. Out to the backs, ball whipped wide, offloads sticking and, inevitably, Nursey got over the try line.

20–12.

After a bruising spell of back-and-forth attack, neither side gave an inch. Up stepped Hugo Vati, scything through defenders and wrestling his way across the line to give Hammers breathing room.

Enter Bryce, earning his MOTM. Spotting Horsham napping, Geoff chipped a high ball off a quick penalty. Bryce tore after it, shrugged off two tacklers, and thundered over. Clinical. Ruthless. Jouer.

30–12.

Horsham, to their credit, weren’t done. They hammered away for the last 10 minutes, finally crossing with four minutes to play. 30–19. The Bastards dug in one last time, bodies on the line, defence staunch to the final whistle.

Full Time

Hammersmith & Fulham 2nd XV 30 – 19 Horsham 2nd XV

A win forged in grit, sweat, and the sheer willpower of a squad with fewer subs than Sam Walker’s OnlyFans. Six debutants announced themselves with storming entrances, Geoff’s boot was red-hot all afternoon, and the forwards controlling the breakdown.

The Bastards are back.