Hammersmith and Fulham men’s 2nd XV travelled to Wimbledon on the back of a run of very impressive victories over some tough opposition.

The ‘Hammers’ as they are colloquially known by their friends and supporters, (which, to be clear, Hammersmith and Fulham council are not one of, and neither are the rich, privileged and arrogant residents that try to rule over Hurlingham park as if serfdom still existed) were looking to avenge several defeats inflicted upon them by Wimbledon 2nd XV last year.

‘Twas a miserable day, blustery wind and spatters of rain, but for the men in red, men of the soil, men who represent good, honest, decent and hardworking people, this barely registered as a factor in their mentality.

The first bit of good news was that Wimbledon had kindly allotted the game to be played on a flat pitch. This is worth mentioning, because, as you can no doubt have guessed, the usual 2nd XV pitch is on a slope, (2025 anyone?). The bad news was that this pitch was beside a small metal chain link fence abutting a patch of scrubland, (more on this later).

The warm up was good, the Hammers bench was stacked with their own Pom squad, Daniel Perry, Will Keyte and Luke Wilson, all adding weight and gravitas off the bench not to mention a debut to boot (Finn McCarthy – snorts haggis).

After sizing up the oppo who were representing Wimbledon 2nd XV, the men of south west London’s hardest borough were seriously fancying inflicting some hurt.

And so the first 20 minutes or so proved, with Chris Thompson setting the tone with a great interception and streaking clear, only to be narrowly hauled down before the try line. However, this led to great Hammers field position, with some great carrying from the forwards, (too many to name an individual, they all did a great job), with Dan Hindle being put over but unfortunately the referee, looking like a cross between an orc and a goblin, muttered a spell which caused Mr. Hindle to drop the ball.

It did not much matter as the puny ‘dons kicked the ball back and after some nice phase play from the big boys up front Henry Cowls (Dawg) went over, like a panzer in the Ardennes, for the first Hammers try. Ollie Weaver (I actually don’t know if he’s posh or working class, can someone at the club help me?) added the extras, Hammers up 7-0.

The Hammers then again started to play some good bloody rugger, preparing to give Wimbledon a buggering. Forwards (Dawwgggssss) again showing their worth and bashing their way towards the try line. Chris Thompson went full valleys juicehead mode and shot through a gap in the Wimbledon line and barrelled his way over score. Weaver (we call certain people by their surnames at this club as a sign of endearment) added the extras 14-0. This barrage of points and good play was all in the first 10-15 minutes of the match despite Grishnákh’s* best efforts (if you don’t know that reference, educate yourself). To paraphrase the words of the most learned Hugo Vati, upon the first or second scrum of the day Grishnákh* stated to both teams ‘you are going to learn what a referee with proper discipline is today boys’. Take from that what you will.

The ball was kicked off and after some arm wrestling in the middle of pitch Hammers got hammering and after some good play some slick hands out the back saw Sam Nursey slice over in the corner (three certainties, death, taxes and a Nursey try). Weaver with the conversion 21-0.

The play was restarted but after a minor scuffle the Wimbledon 12 (Gimp) blew his top and was sent to the bin after not being of the disciplined standard Grishnákh* expected.

The Hammers were cruising, but unknown to them, for a bruising. Despite being made up of weed like figures, Wimbledon, like a dogged mangy hound, refused to go away. After some lapse defending, unfortunately Wimbledon scored four tries without reply, their 10 converting each one, to be fair to him.

At half time the Hammers found themselves only just behind, from position of relative strength. Obviously it goes without saying that Grishnákh* had his malign influence on the match, not calling knock-ons, high tackles, generally just blowing his whistle at every opportunity, (probably lives on his own, selling avon). There was also the bizarre issue of the scrubland meaning that every penalty if kicked to that side was not actually kicked, but Grishnákh* decided that it was an automatic 15 metre gain for either side. Not a great pitch.

The second half kicked off, and like Cnut, the Hammers could not turn the tide. Wimbledon scored more tries, as the Hammers became a little ragged. However, anytime there was any physicality involved, the Hammers would dominate. After more tries conceded, the Pom squad was employed and this resulted in Henry Cowls going over from a driving maul again, as, as I said, once it came to physicality, Wimbledon like the French in WW2, surrendered to the Hammers blitzkrieg.

Alas, like the blitzkrieg, the Hammers were finding their supply/defensive lines stretched as they could not maintain the offensive. Wimbledon countered and more damage was done. Hammers fought till the end. Luke Wilson, receiving the ball 15 yards from the line pirouetted passed the first tackler, handed off the second before stepping the onrushing fullback to score to restore some pride in the shirt. I only wrote that for a laugh as Luke sometimes makes me say things with a breadknife (bants).

In reality he carried hard from five yards and scored. To be fair to Grishnákh* he did extend the second half, so after being told 5 minutes left, there were then 16 and so on. Unfortunately the Hammers war machine had exhausted itself and they could muster no more.

Wimbledon won on the day, but in the words of the Wealdstone Raider, they have no ground and no fans.

There were ugly scenes at full time as the Wimbeldon 12 attempted to take his top off (he’s a really great guy) and wrestle Grishnákh*. However this was sadly prevented. Utter Woke nonsense.

 

 

An unusually hot November day greeted the league leaders Jersey upon arrival at Fortress Hurlingham. Well, it is more of a fort made of couch cushions these last few weeks, but it’s home…

Spirits were high in the 1’s camp after seeing off Camberley in our previous match and watching Nugget’s 2’s dust up Jersey in the sun. 80 mins stood before us and glory.

Jersey kicked off toward our elite training pitches and the king of the north, Dan, leapt high even though he knows nothing. A clean take, a nice jack left, lovely bogey up the touchline by Gregor and we exited well. What was going on?

Their 9, on debut, absolutely fluffed the lineout, a theme that would continue throughout the afternoon for him. It was an honour and a privilege to play in his first and last game at this level. The result gave the Hammers their first chance to attack. A lovely scrum move and silky hands from Geoff and Joe put Max into space. Early signs the boys were on. Gregor and Geoff managed the boys around the park well, making sure we were getting into the right areas with some useful kicking.

Some massive shots by tiny Josh, Whits and Ian let the Jersey boys know it was not going to be a stroll in the park. Jersey then somewhat against the run of play, opened the scoring with a nice lineout move that put their winger through 1 on 1 with Maxy. RIP Max’s ankles, 1998 to 2025.

Hammers earlier in the season would have folded, but with new attitudes this group got back to the job at hand and it paid dividends. Off a lovely lineout maul from a Dan dart, little Josh ran through the legs of 3 Jersey defenders, and they could not bend down to catch him. 7-5 Hammers.

5 minutes later the Hammers were in again after Joey plucked a Jersey pass out of the air. He ran 40m before wisely choosing to pass to Timmy in support, just before the quicksand swallowed him up. 14-7 Hammers.

The Hammers scored again after some in your face defence by Proctor and the Dan’s led to a loose ball that Timmy Russ pounced on with some nice touches that would make Messi proud and ran most of the field to dot down. 19-7 Hammers and the tails were up.

With the first half winding down, Jersey showed their class with some nice shape and strong carries, creating space in the wide channel for their 12 to run through and get one back. With the last play of the half, Jersey won a penalty and kicked to the corner. A strong maul had them in again and levelled things up at 19-19. A strong first half from the Hammers. Stay tuned to see if they could keep it up.

They could not keep it up.

Off the kick-off, the wave of red shirts parted for the Jersey second row to stroll through untouched, Moses would be proud.

Jersey ran in a flurry of tries against a now tiring Hammers defence. With the win out of reach, attention turned to obtaining a BP. Not many achieve that against this Jersey side. Some raids into the Jersey 22 frustratingly didn’t amount to any tries and with the clock winding down the Hammers were getting desperate. Max was sent to the naughty chair for being offside. I personally think the ref felt threatened for the worst on field mullet.

In an eerily frightening piece of foreshadowing (if you are Scottish), it was a blonde, handsome Kiwi 15, that helped rescue the situation. A quick tap from halfway caught Jersey off guard and the old hamstrings started pumping. A fend on their winger which surely has to be a low point in that guy’s career, had the tryline in sight. The cover tacklers dragged him down within a bee’s dick from the line. As usual, the seagull Joe was on hand and flopped over the line to take the credit. Bonus point secured, 3 games in a row now with points for the Hammers!

Congrats to Charlie and Yarwood on debut. Tough game to come into but neither took a backward step. Another shoutout to Poults and Rogan for a heroic effort to go 80 even though injured. The scrum was solid all day given the opposition and Rogan’s 4th and 5th vertebrae being held together by a Rob McKeon hair follicle. Ed and Ben added a nice impact off the bench with both putting in great hits and lifting the energy.

Man of the Match was the king of the north and well deserved. On to Wimbledon next where we will look to serve up a few aces.

 

Sunday morning, I wake up in a cold sweat. head pounding with few memories from the night before thanks to a successful Hammerween- I had a nightmare in which Max Dugdale is the club’s leading try scorer. Shaking, I reached for my phone and tried to piece together what had happened the day before…. A Happy Hammerween it was.

Hammers turned up to Camberley fashionably late- A tactical tweak made by our bus driver, who seemed to believe that a shortened warm up would provide the fast start that we had been missing.

Inspired by Marshall’s quiz and the assurances of immortality should the lads manage to be the first Hammers team to defeat Camberley away from home, the lads strode out and decided the best form of attack was in fact defence. Of the 40 minutes in the first half, Hammers defended for approximately 35, conceding 1 try and 2 yellow cards. Despite this alarming start, Hammers were defending with vigor- Josh and Dan’s akimbo throwing themselves at anything that moved. Hammers also managed to avoid conceding any points during the yellow card periods (Josh and Joe for some well crafted gamesmanship, perfected on the training ground, but caught by the referee).

Back up to our full 15, Hammers managed to retain the ball for longer than 3 phases and from a strong scrum, a slick Hammers set piece resulted in Max Dugdale – “tap in” merchant – dotting down in the corner for our first points of the game on the stroke of half time. Joe was unable to convert from the touchline, but it was an all important momentum swing for the lads leading in to the half, or so we thought as Camberley immediately responded with a try of their own- Hammers 5-12 Camberley.

Half Time, and some stirring words from Ryan.

With the lads motivated by a strong defensive half and clear chances to be had with ball in hand, there was hope for some points on the road, however within 5 minutes Camberley had managed to wriggle over from short range and made a comeback even tougher for a team with an impressive home record. However, the Hammers were not to be defeated that easily and from 17-5 down, the remainder of the second half provided a polar opposite performance from both teams, with Hammers taking control of possession and field position. A flowing hammers backs move allowed Tim to break wide with Hammers flooding through to support. The ball inside to Gregor and a right foot step sent him under the sticks for a 7 pointer, converted by Joe. Hammers sensed an upset on the cards. Two well taken tries from Joe, both self-converted, sent the away fans in to delirium and Bryce Morgan to show tremendous touchline mana in front of Rogan’s camera.

With a twitchy 9 point lead and Ryan’s command of ‘CONTROL!’ ringing in the ears of the lads, ‘Fan of free pints’, Gregor decided that a quick restart was the right option – perhaps a certain Frenchman’s style of quick and purposeful Rugby was still fresh in his mind from last season? Despite this, Hammers defended like their lives depended on it for the remaining minutes of the half and with Camberley in possession just outside of the 22, forced a turnover which Gregor duly booted out, completing the win.

A first win of the season for Hammers and hopefully, a sign of things to come with performances improving week-on-week and tries beginning to flow. A rest week next up and then we welcome Jersey to fortress Hurlingham for a double header.

Man of the Match – Joe Carolan