Hammers are back baby! After a long and lonely summer, with only bright sunshine, bbq and beers, and pain-free Sunday mornings to get us through these dark and dreary months your favourite South West London amateur sports club is once again competing in Region 1 South Central and kicking off the season against newly promoted Farnham. With some new faces dotted throughout a largely familiar 1st XV, our new Director of Rugby Ryan Gregory looked to blend fresh vigour with experienced heads.

Hammers were playing into the wind and kicking off to start the match, flyhalf Ollie Weaver steps up confidently, has a few practice bounces for good measure, smoothly pulls back the right peg as he drops the ball and then… completely misses the ball. Slightly rosy cheeked, the Hammers flyhalf does his best Oliver Twist impression when he turns pleadingly to the ref to ask for just one more attempt please sir. The ref regretfully denies Mr Weaver his breakfast ball and awards a scrum to Farnham on the halfway line. Slightly bemused, the Farnham pack approaches wondering if the new Hammers head coach has come from the Rassie Erasmus school of out of the box coaching methods, and whether they are about to get a rogering at the forthcoming set piece. 2 minutes later the ball was away from the scrum cleanly, Farnhams newly promoted minds at ease that Andrew Rogan was not Thomas du Toit’s older brother and they can live with the levels of scrummaging in Regional 1 rugby.

Hammers proceeded to spend the first fifteen minutes of the game exploring every possible avenue to put themselves under pressure. We had; penalties, 50/22s, loose offloads, kicking straight to touch, missing touch from penalties, knock ons, and more. The get out of jail free card for this period was the excellence of the pack at defensive line outs. Last years barnstorming second row partnership, Seb Rivett and skipper Tom Proctor have been promoted to play 7 and 8 respectively, making way for Alex Spicer, newly returned from the antipodes where he was sent by the home office to undergo a thorough in-person inspection of the Australian unemployment line. Lining up alongside him in the engine room and providing some welcome heft at set piece is a new Hammer this year, Luke Wilson. These four proceeded to make life hell for the Farnham hooker, pinching his first three throws and forcing his next two to end up too long.

After weathering this early and self-inflicted storm, Hammers started to play some more fluent rugby. New centre partnership Sandy Duncan and Charlie Scott both carried strongly and linked together well before a contestable box kick was hoisted high by scrumhalf and eventual man-of-the-match Ben Dugdale. Several hammers pressured the Farnham fullback but Tim ‘Le Snack’ Russell rose highest to claim the ball, and then offloaded nicely out of contact to his fellow winger ‘1.6kms O’Connor’ who raced away to bag the first score of the match. Upon the resumption of play Hammers smoothly exited the restart, with another excellent chase winning a penalty in midfield which gave an attacking lineout on the Farnham 22. Hammers worked through the phases from this set piece nicely before coming back to the short side to release fullback Marshall MacLeod on the break who had Tim Russell on his shoulder to give a 2 on 1 with the fullback and Timmy strolled over to give Hammers a 12-0 lead.

After the restart and Hammers exit another Farnham overthrow at lineout time gave debutant Gus Wilbourn room to stretch his legs and he made a fine break deep into Farnham’s half, with the move only breaking down due to some illegal defence from the Farnham winger and a penalty awarded to hammers. Alas, touch was missed and Farnham worked the ball wide to break down the opposite wing. The next ten minutes were spent in the Hammers half, with both teams playing back and forth before a series of mistakes and penalties gave Farnham extended time on the Hammers line, eventually scoring out wide. It was a well-earned return from a period of extended pressure.

The next two Farnham scores were less well-earned and more gifted it has to be said. The Hammers restart went straight to touch, and from the scrum Farnham broke through in midfield to get into the Hammers 22, before spreading it wide to score again. The next restart was kept infield, and Hammers managed to get a charge down of the attempted Farnham exit. However a soft turnover in a midfield carry gave the ball back to Farnham and they kicked deep into a disorganised Hammers backfield. Scrambling to cover, MacLeod proceeded to completely guddle the catch straight into the path of two Farnham chasers who couldn’t believe their luck and hacked the ball all the way to the hammers try line and only some tidy defensive cover from Ben Dugdale saved a score. However it was merely a stay of execution as Farnham got the shove on from the 5m scrum before their number 8 picked and carried over to score. Hammers were reeling from this rapid fire trio of scores and went into the sheds at halftime 12-17 down, having been in complete control at the 30 minute mark.

In the second half the game opened up a fair bit although still played mostly between the 22s, both teams feeling the strain of the first real 40 mins of the season and gaps opening up. Hammers had brought on substitutes Dan Whitaker, Dan Hostetler, and Emile Binse and all three brought energy and aggression. Farnham struck first, a halfbeak through the tackle followed by an excellent offload and a missed tackle in backfield and they were under the sticks again to go 12-24 ahead. Time for some Gallic flair. A set piece move off a Hammers scrum, with an excellent offload from Charlie, and then great hands from Tim and Miles sent Emile scampering down the left wing, before he pulled off a one handed offload back in to Miles that was more french than an adulterous snail surrendering in a garlic field. Miles scored in the corner and at 17-24 the game was back on.

With their tails up, Hammers forced repeated penalties from the Farnham defence resulting in a yellow card but could not turn this pressure into points. Farnham turned the tables with two lineout steals on the bounce, before Alex Spicer confused his support runners with an attempted goosey in midfield, and as they stared astonished Farnham managed to pilfer possession. From this turnover Farnham broke down the left wing before spreading the ball across and scoring on the right side, 17-29. From the restart Emile and Timmy broke down the wing unfortunately the finishing pass just wasn’t held, but a Farnham penalty gave Hammers a lineout deep in their 22. The call was to the back (shock) and a well executed throw and maul rumbled over the line, conversion made leaving it 24-29.

For the last five minutes Hammers fought hard to get into the Farnham half and were putting pressure on them through multiple strong carries and quick phases however a knock on in dead time killed their hopes of a comeback. Credit to Farnham, a very strong start at Regional 1 and if they continue to take their chances as they did at Hurlingham Park then Hammers will not be the last scalp they claim this season. Hammers were hot and cold, at times looking resplendent and at others with more cobwebs than Rogan’s wallet when he finally gets a round in. Hammers go away to Maidenhead next week and then host Old Alleynians at Hurlingham.

First League game of the season. The day when boys become men, men become wheezy, and the Bastards discover whether anyone actually did enough pre-season. The Bastards arrived with quiet menace for their latest test against Horsham 2s.

Horsham arrived with a heavyweight pack and a backline fresh from GCSE results day, but looking eager to stretch their legs after last season’s narrow win. Hammers kicked off, Horsham spilled, and it was scrum down – Hammers ball. Horsham flexed early with a dominant shove, stealing possession and running it back at us. A penalty soon followed, pinning us deep in our own half. A couple of sloppy errors later and Horsham were over for the softest of opening tries.

0–5 Horsham.

A wobble? Not so. Geoff Mahon stepped up with a clinical penalty kick, steadying the ship at 3–5. From there, the Bastards began to show teeth — showing Horsham it’s not about going in hard and fast, but knowing when to finish.

With no replacements in sight, the front row trio of Dan Ah Kuoi, Paddy O’Toole, and Ed Wynne were staring down 80 minutes of graft. Luckily, months of strict summer conditioning – avoiding cardio like my ex avoids my calls – had them primed for the task. The lineout was a banker all afternoon, with Paddy ‘The Nuke’ O’Toole lobbing darts all day. The first big blow landed via Dylan Bilski: a beautifully worked maul rumbled forward, the tiniest of gaps appeared, and Dylan snuck through it like an illegal through the southern border. Geoff’s boot made it 10–5. Another penalty soon after stretched the lead to 13–5, the Bastards heading into half-time ahead but well aware Horsham weren’t done.

The second half began like the first: Horsham piling on pressure. Their persistence finally paid off with a converted try, bringing it to 13–12. The Bastards bent but did not break – the defensive work rate from Kioko Searle-Mbullu and Thomas Hughes in open defensive play delivering some menacing hits.

Then came the surge. From inside our own half, our attacking shape began to pay off. A well-worked tip followed by offloads that actually found hands carried us to within the 20. Out to the backs, ball whipped wide, offloads sticking and, inevitably, Nursey got over the try line.

20–12.

After a bruising spell of back-and-forth attack, neither side gave an inch. Up stepped Hugo Vati, scything through defenders and wrestling his way across the line to give Hammers breathing room.

Enter Bryce, earning his MOTM. Spotting Horsham napping, Geoff chipped a high ball off a quick penalty. Bryce tore after it, shrugged off two tacklers, and thundered over. Clinical. Ruthless. Jouer.

30–12.

Horsham, to their credit, weren’t done. They hammered away for the last 10 minutes, finally crossing with four minutes to play. 30–19. The Bastards dug in one last time, bodies on the line, defence staunch to the final whistle.

Full Time

Hammersmith & Fulham 2nd XV 30 – 19 Horsham 2nd XV

A win forged in grit, sweat, and the sheer willpower of a squad with fewer subs than Sam Walker’s OnlyFans. Six debutants announced themselves with storming entrances, Geoff’s boot was red-hot all afternoon, and the forwards controlling the breakdown.

The Bastards are back.

They say pressure makes diamonds, but on Saturday 8^th March, it mostly made a group of red-and-white-clad lunatics wonder if they were ever going to make it to the pitch. With survival on the line, Hammersmith & Fulham faced Tunbridge Wells knowing that a bonus point win would keep them at Level 5 for another season. But before we could even think about the match, we had to survive the journey there…

Jacob Poulton puts in a big tackle

A straightforward away trip? Not on our bus driver’s watch. What should have been a simple bus trip along mainly the M25, turned into a sightseeing tour of the Kent countryside, as our driver seemingly swore a personal oath to avoid all main roads at any cost. With every winding lane, unexpected detour and bursting bladder, our warm-up time dwindled and by the time we finally arrived – just 45 minutes before kick-off – our legs were as stiff as the opposition’s defence. The journey was shaky, our performance was anything but. Running on adrenaline, frustration, and the sheer terror of having to commit to a bar crawl around Tunbridge Wells after losing, Hammers dug deep, threw everything at it, and secured another year at Level 5 in style.

Fate has a funny way of scripting rugby matches, and on this occasion, it decided to throw in a Hollywood-style subplot. This was the last dance for our very own Sam Seymour, who is swapping the muddy pitches of England for the land of oversized sodas and unsolicited “Let’s go, Chad” chants. But before he jets off to the USA, he had one final score to settle – because, as if by divine comedy, our opponents were none other than his old club, Tunbridge Wells. With the kind of emotional turmoil usually reserved for reality TV, he spent 80 minutes tearing into his former teammates like they still owed him a plane tickets worth of fines. Proving that while he may be America-bound, his loyalty (for one last game at least) was firmly with the men in red. Safe travels, mate – just don’t start calling it football.

Kick-off – Receiving the ball cleanly, we were immediately gifted a penalty, which Ben Dugdale gleefully sent to touch. Scott van Berckel, who had dusted off his old hooker’s jersey for a nostalgic cameo while Dan Hostetler was still somewhere over the English Channel, presumably regretting that last après-ski Aperol Spritz. The throw was on the money straight into Seb Rivett’s hands and within moments, Timmy Russell and Marcus McNeil were charging through Tunbridge defenders like they were trying to catch the rush hour tube home. A little nudge from Joe Carolan forced the opposition full-back into panic mode, and his clearance kick was as well-placed as our bus driver’s route that morning. With an attacking lineout just 15 meters out, we had our chance. The Tunbridge pack defended the maul well, forcing us to rethink, but one brutal crash from Eoin Baker gave us the perfect platform to go wide, where Timmy Russell finished what he started, diving over in the corner for the opening score. Carolan slotting the kick from about as wide as a conversion could be taken. Hammers up, Hostetler still MIA, and the perfect start to a survival showdown.

Kickoff again – Receiving the ball cleanly, we were immediately gifted a penalty, which Ben Dugdale gleefully sent to touch, wait – no, sorry – Marshall MacLeod decided to take quickly. Catching the opposition off guard (and some of his own teammates), Hammers were once again on the front foot. Before we knew it, we had another attacking lineout in the same spot. It was like Deja-Vu, you can just go back and re-read the previous paragraph to see how the buildup unfolded. However, this time seeing his name in lights and thinking of his next social media post, Ben Dugdale decided to crash over the line himself, leaving Timmy Russell outside him with his hands as empty as if Dugdale had just nicked his pint. Carolan kicked the conversion, yeah yeah same story boring….

Kickoff again – this time a little scrappier, and we were giving Tunbridge a chance to show off their attacking flair. However, just as we thought things were getting a bit too dicey, Seymour stepped in with a clearance kick so well-executed it probably deserves a spot in an instructional video somewhere. Suddenly it was Tunbridge who found themselves with an attacking lineout. They took it cleanly, but as fate would have it, their next move was to run straight into Seymour, who pinched the ball out of their hands with the kind of precision that could only be matched by a Swiss watch. Josh AA swooped in, picked up the loose ball, and proceeded to flatten two Tunbridge defenders like they were just speed bumps on his road to glory. After a 40-meter sprint he found himself with a 2-on-1 against the Tunbridge full-back. Would he do his best Ben Dugdale impression? No – instead selflessly passing to Timmy Russell, who scampered in for his second under the sticks. Carolan converts again yada yada yada…

Bloody hell – 12 minutes played and Hammers are up 21 points to zip. Maybe we should arrive 45 minutes before kick-off every week.

The next 20 minutes were a bit more like your average rugby game – Hammers, seemingly catching their breath and Tunbridge finally realising they were in a game. It was all Tunbridge, battering our line like it was the high street in Maidstone on market day – plenty of hustle, but no way through. Then, with an attacking scrum on our 5-meter line, on came Dan Hostetler. With his plane finally landed, he stepped onto the pitch like a man who’d just received a “Steady the ship” memo. For the next 15 minutes, we defended like our lives depended on it, with Steve John and Seb Rivett delivering a masterclass on disciplined yet aggressive defence. After what felt like an eternity parked on our try line, Tunbridge finally found their opening and snuck over for their first points of the match. Tunbridge 7 : 21 Hammers.

This time, it was Tunbridge’s turn for a little déjà vu. Camped in our 22 again for the next 10 minutes, they threw everything at us in the hopes of getting their second score. But it seemed the Hammers Defence had been switched to “brick wall mode.” Tunbridge knocked it on, and Hammers had possession of the ball with a scrum on their own 22-meter line. A scrummaging effort from Rogan & Poulton, boots locked into the ground and sights firmly set on not moving an inch, the ball went in, the ball came out, and after 1, 2, 3 slick passes, it ended up in Timmy Russell’s hands. A man on a mission, he went from one 22 to the other. The Tunbridge full-back managed to drag him down, however just as the signs of relief echoed from the home fans, he popped the ball up to his flatmate, Marshall MacLeod, who jogged in under the sticks for a Hammers bonus-point try. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Carolan converts. A brutal end to the half for Tunbridge who found themselves 28 – 7 down at the halfway mark.

The second half kicked off with the same energy as the first, except this time, the scoreboard operators had a quiet few minutes, able to enjoy their touchline pints. Hammers won a penalty and instead of looking for a lineout, decided on 3 points – though some spectators (who may or may not have had a few too many pre-match pints) questioned whether it passed through the posts or just around them.

Once again, it was all Tunbridge, camped on our try line like a group of scouts settling in for a long night of roasting marshmallows. However, just when it looked like we might have to pitch our own tent under the posts for another post-conceding teamtalk, Joe Carolan pulled off a textbook interception (negating the need to tackle) and sent the ball down the other end of the pitch. High-tempo defence from the Hammers forced another penalty right in front of the posts, and once again, Carolan added 3 more. I’m sick of typing his name now.

Tunbridge 7 : 34 Hammers

The boys celebrating their season-winning result

From here on, it seemed like Hammers had already started thinking about the post-match celebrations, with one eye on the scoreboard and the other on the nearest pint. Tunbridge took advantage, scoring two tries in the space of 10 minutes, but both conversions were missed, with one even bouncing off the upright – perhaps a gentle reminder that kicking under pressure isn’t as easy as it looks. I hear the sales of ‘How to Kick a Rugby Ball 101’ spiked in the South East on Sunday morning.

Tunbridge 17 : 34 Hammers.

Was a comeback on the cards? Both sides now realising that another try for Tunbridge would give them a try bonus point, Tunbridge revisited their previous camping spot on our try line and battered away like a group of scouts at the tuck shop after realising they had run out of marshmallows. They were over! Cheers rang out from the home fans, and for a moment, Hammers looked and felt like they’d let themselves down. But wait – what’s that? A red scrum cap-bearing man (Steve John) was at the bottom of the heap of bodies on the try line, the ref signalled that the try was held up! A monumental defensive shift, and a warning to Hammers that they needed to up their game.

Even with the try saved, Hammers still couldn’t seem to get out of their own half, but their defensive resolve held firm, and the clock ran out with the final score reading 17-34. A hard-fought battle, and a victory that tee’d up the celebrations perfectly.

A bleak and dreary day in a bleak and dreary place (Tottenham.) Coming off of positive previous performances, the Hammers 3’s were not letting the weather dampen any optimism going into their game against Haringey Rhinos. A strong team, solid warm-up and the rare sight of a full bench was a good omen for things to come.

The game kicked off and the Hammers immediately drew first blood. Sam Nursey with one of his trademark scything runs through the oppo and touching it down in the corner. Conversion missed, 5-0.

Almost before the team had time to regroup, Nursey was doing his thing again. The Rhinos 15 made a last-ditch tackle to bring him down on the 5 but a pop off the deck to Rob Hulmes and the Hammers were in again. This time it was slightly easier for fly-half Tom Kell. Conversion good. 12-0.

Although the first 10 minutes was rough for the Haringey team, they stuck in and didn’t make it easy for the Hammers. But nothing was stopping Sam Nursey on this fine February morning. A quick step and he was breaking through the defence again, touching the ball down behind the Haringey line.

Was Sam going to get a hat-trick within the first 20 mins and make captain Rob buy his drinks for the evening?

Nope, he wasn’t. In fact, he rudely got himself concussed about 5 minutes later and the Hammers biggest danger in the open field was now out for the rest of the game (but hopefully not the foreseeable future!)

Clearly smelling blood in the water, the Haringey team quickly capitalised. A missed tackle in midfield, a chip n chase and their 12 was under the posts. 17-7.

The Hammers rallied, with big shots and turnovers in midfield from Harry Phillipson, Oscar Newcombe and Russell Pissfield meant that the Hammers successfully held the Rhinos out for most of the half. However, after phases of D on their line, Haringey eventually broke through. 17-14 at half.

The excitement quickly subsided in the second half. Failure from both teams to string phases together (as well as some “technical” refereeing) meant that the second half was certainly one for the purists.

Following a yellow for the opposition for backchat and some time spent on their 5 metre line, Lucas Sopher (clearly learning from the Seb Money school of line breaks) cut a line and dotted the ball down over the try line. 22-14.

The game was not yet over, a grubber through the D by Kell led to fullback Angus Blomfield touching the ball down…but no try given. Letting his frustration get the better of him, Kioko Searle-Mbullu questioned how the referee could make that call from where he was. Immediate yellow and DOTD. And 5 minutes later, Haringey were over in the corner. 22-19.

The game tapered off in the last 10-15 minutes. Constant whistles frustrating both teams leading to a suplex from the Haringey hooker on fly half Kell that Triple H would be impressed by. A little bit of pushy pushy and some fighting words caused the referee to make clear that anything more would be a straight red.

Nothing came of this, and the Hammers held out to the final whistle. Full time score, 22-19 and a worthy MOTM for Russell Pissfield and DOTD for Kioko Searle-Mbullu.