On a glorious Saturday 26th October – after watching a terrible game of rugby (from a South African’s point of view), England decided to celebrate by providing us with cold and wet conditions to play rugby in. With the late kick off at 5:30pm under the Rosslyn Park floodlights, the team were keen to get going on the 4G pitch. Ed ‘I want to look like Beckham’ James shouted, ‘4G is really good for my laundry.’ Normally the team would be half drunk by 4.00pm but given there was nothing to do other than to think about how shocking New Zealand played, everyone arrive on time for a change. It started off with an easy decider on Dick of the day award for Ash ‘I’m a chav’ Mitchel as he left his boots at home.
With Jack ‘golden boot’ Davies kicking off the game, it all begun. With the wind against us, pretty mild rainfall and a forward pack smaller than the opponents’ backs it looked as if all odds were against us BUT…………
Over the course of the first half a few of the boys stepped in to make crunching covering tackles and one by one we landed up with injuries. First Monty ‘Mr Lover Lover’ Lovering injured because Rosslyn apparently don’t like gingers so a tactical change from our Captain – Jack ‘golden boot’ Davies moving his 12. Ross ‘I don’t have an accent’ Anderson to 9. And Chris ‘I do business – with children’ Ralph coming on. Second injury – Chris ‘I look like Tom Curry’ Aird put in a hit but landed off second best and disappeared off the field only to be found sitting with the spectators holding his shoulder, everyone confounded as we have never seen such magic from a lawyer (or have we). No choice but to bring on Jack ‘no, I look like Tom Curry’ Small.
It was a hard-fought game in the scrums between the between the forward packs, with the Hammers coming off second best. A switch of sides in the scrum between Henry ‘I speak a lot’ Oliver and Slade ‘I’m not allowed to talk’ Buchner leaded to a slightly more stable attacking platform. A massive outburst on the wing from George ‘Run Forrest, Run’ Nellany landed us in their 22 unfortunately only leading to a line out for Rosslyn park. After a big steal from Slade ‘I’m not allowed to talk’ Buchner at the front and a few dirty phases, we got the penalty. Ross Anderson quick tap and no passing policy leading to a crushing tackle, a popped shoulder, and a knock on. He surprisingly popped it back and carried on playing, he must be Asian.
Ref called a penalty and gave Slade a warning for speaking to his captain – A very confused look came across Jack ‘golden boot’ Davies face as he didn’t even know what to tell Slade Buchner other than don’t talk at all. A demand that all players and supporters appreciated.
Rosslyn fought back to our half and had a penalty about 35 m in front of the post. They went for the posts but missed. Half time was called.
A quick change with Ross coming off due to his shoulder lead to Ed James moving to scrum half and Derry ‘Honey badger’ Waldron at full back. Henry Oliver went off for Tim Williams moving Ollie ‘Penalty machine’ Rea to second row. They kicked off and we didn’t respond, luckily there was a knock on from Rosslyn otherwise it could have been the first score of the match. The Hammers led a massive fight back to Rosslyn half with some great breaks lead to a step and a step by Golden boots’ with a try right under the posts. 7 – 0 to us. Rosslyn kicked off and again another stare down between the penalty machine and Gerad ‘Keep pushing’ Rhodes lead to a bounce ball that was finally secured. A massive kick out of our half and a great chase from George ‘Run Forrest, Run’ Nellany with great pressure and amazing defence from a few forwards forced Rosslyn Park into conceding a penalty. A kick, a maul and a break through the middle of a ruck from Slade Buchner to their 5 m. A few carries later and Tim ‘Did I just score’ Williams over the chalk line. 12 – 0 to Hammers.
It all fell apart with a few missed calls from the ref. It was only the continuous defense from the hammers that kept the home team from crossing the line for 10 minutes. A quick tap and go and missed tackle lead them to crossing the chalk line. Score 12 – 5.
A massive kick from Ed ‘I want to look like Beckham’ James pinned Rosslyn back in their 22. A lot of scrappy play and a missed call led to a penalty – Slade ‘I’m not allowed to talk’ Buchner didn’t say anything. Rosslyn with a missed kick to touch and Sam ‘I’m Blind’ Nursey caught the ball and positioned the Hammers back in Rosslyns half. Chaos ensued with bodies laying everywhere, and everyone scrambling for the ball. A second later a perfect pop straight into Davies and he dropped the best drop goal Johnny Wilkinson has ever seen, he said that Naas Botha would’ve been proud. 15 – 5 to hammers.
A hard fought Rosslyn team came back breaking a tackle and hitting a huge gap to move into the Hammers half. The defense held until the final play off the game where a quick break led to Rosslyn crossing the chalk line under the polls. The final whistle came with only a drop goal the difference between the 2 sides.
Score 15 – 12 finishing time.
Man Of The Match: Ed ‘I want to look like Beckham’ James but left early so Ross ‘I don’t have an accent’ Anderson
Tin Man: Ash ‘I’m a Chav’ Mitchell
Unfortunately, we lost the boat race