Hammers 2nd XV defeat Old Habs

The day arrived with optimism a plenty as the highly anticipated away bus trip to Harpenden RFC (playing host to our opposition Old Hab’s due to waterlogged pitches) was only a matter of hours, maybe minutes away for the 20 men of Hammersmith and Fulham Rugby Football Club 2XV.


Unfortunately, like all great stories, life doesn’t always go to plan, and it seemed as if the protagonist at the local bus company decided to have a few too many bottles of Lambrini on his Friday night off. Minutes past, numerous trips to the 8 bells urinals followed, and with coffee disseminating through the bowels, still no bus. Captain Cook gathered the troops in a circle to deliver the fatal blow that no bus would be arriving, and that alternative forms of transport should be sourced to deliver the men to the boggy marshes of Harpenden RFC.

The local Uber drivers couldn’t believe their luck when the men came calling, with 100 quid each for 2 hours work, to fund the rest of their weekend behind the wheel, racing each other on the M1. A short and blunt warm up followed, with a few too many interjections from Conductor Nugget and the team were left with no choice but to try and deliver a 50-nil mauling of the opposition….

The Hammers men started well, dominating possession and territory, without much avail before Ricky ‘White Line Fever’ Drewitt got himself on the back of a rolling lineout maul before finding himself ‘held up’. Whilst the match adjudicator enjoyed his pre match discussion with the boys, he forgot to mention that his subscription to Specsavers had actually expired before Covid in 2019. Finally, after some slick hands from HFRFC’s answer to Damian McKenzie, the Hammers got their reward with a 5 pointer in the corner from the author of this report. Nothing else of note really happened in the first half so we will pause there.

At half time, a shuffle of the deck saw some changes to the back line, and the introduction to the field of the ‘stockier’ kamikaze twin, Max Dugdale, for his debut. With the opposition confused, the Dugdale’s started to bamboozle, and the ball started to go wider and wider, with more points following from Mr White Line Fever himself, who finished the game with a double. 22-0 to the boys with 5 to go, and one score needed for the coveted BP win. As the opposition pushed for any form of consolation, the author found himself on the floor, being pinned down by what can only be described as an angry testosterone fuelled young man, with 2 yellow cards following, and 2 DOTD nominations in the clubhouse. No more scores and the game finished like a damp squid, and with some disappointment from the Hammers men- hopefully this wouldn’t have any bearing when the season concludes in April.

What followed can only be described as an evening of wonderful entertainment, headed up by some excellent pirate jokes from Rich Vaughan, a dodgy impending intercourse story involving someone’s sister from an unnamed source, and some exquisite piano playing at Kings Cross St Pancras Station by Ben Osgood, followed by a good old game of ‘d* y** t*** i* u* the *******’ where every player got an opportunity to vent away the day’s frustrations on their fellow colleagues.

Full time: HFRFC 22-0 Old Habs