A perfect start for the 2s!

First League game of the season. The day when boys become men, men become wheezy, and the Bastards discover whether anyone actually did enough pre-season. The Bastards arrived with quiet menace for their latest test against Horsham 2s.

Horsham arrived with a heavyweight pack and a backline fresh from GCSE results day, but looking eager to stretch their legs after last season’s narrow win. Hammers kicked off, Horsham spilled, and it was scrum down – Hammers ball. Horsham flexed early with a dominant shove, stealing possession and running it back at us. A penalty soon followed, pinning us deep in our own half. A couple of sloppy errors later and Horsham were over for the softest of opening tries.

0–5 Horsham.

A wobble? Not so. Geoff Mahon stepped up with a clinical penalty kick, steadying the ship at 3–5. From there, the Bastards began to show teeth — showing Horsham it’s not about going in hard and fast, but knowing when to finish.

With no replacements in sight, the front row trio of Dan Ah Kuoi, Paddy O’Toole, and Ed Wynne were staring down 80 minutes of graft. Luckily, months of strict summer conditioning – avoiding cardio like my ex avoids my calls – had them primed for the task. The lineout was a banker all afternoon, with Paddy ‘The Nuke’ O’Toole lobbing darts all day. The first big blow landed via Dylan Bilski: a beautifully worked maul rumbled forward, the tiniest of gaps appeared, and Dylan snuck through it like an illegal through the southern border. Geoff’s boot made it 10–5. Another penalty soon after stretched the lead to 13–5, the Bastards heading into half-time ahead but well aware Horsham weren’t done.

The second half began like the first: Horsham piling on pressure. Their persistence finally paid off with a converted try, bringing it to 13–12. The Bastards bent but did not break – the defensive work rate from Kioko Searle-Mbullu and Thomas Hughes in open defensive play delivering some menacing hits.

Then came the surge. From inside our own half, our attacking shape began to pay off. A well-worked tip followed by offloads that actually found hands carried us to within the 20. Out to the backs, ball whipped wide, offloads sticking and, inevitably, Nursey got over the try line.

20–12.

After a bruising spell of back-and-forth attack, neither side gave an inch. Up stepped Hugo Vati, scything through defenders and wrestling his way across the line to give Hammers breathing room.

Enter Bryce, earning his MOTM. Spotting Horsham napping, Geoff chipped a high ball off a quick penalty. Bryce tore after it, shrugged off two tacklers, and thundered over. Clinical. Ruthless. Jouer.

30–12.

Horsham, to their credit, weren’t done. They hammered away for the last 10 minutes, finally crossing with four minutes to play. 30–19. The Bastards dug in one last time, bodies on the line, defence staunch to the final whistle.

Full Time

Hammersmith & Fulham 2nd XV 30 – 19 Horsham 2nd XV

A win forged in grit, sweat, and the sheer willpower of a squad with fewer subs than Sam Walker’s OnlyFans. Six debutants announced themselves with storming entrances, Geoff’s boot was red-hot all afternoon, and the forwards controlling the breakdown.

The Bastards are back.