Hammers 1s unplayable against Hemel

Picture the scene. You’re a ginger 26 year old. You had a gf and now you don’t. You’ve taken an involuntary vow of chastity. You’re so single that even hentai doesn’t do it for you anymore. Remember that scene in the inbetweeners with the ham? Now you get it. So you turn up to training on Thursday and Dad turns around and says “HATTON, you’re on the bench fer Saturday so ya are”. Thanks for mugging me off in front of all my friends, Dad.

You turn up for the game and look around the changing room. Around you are the creme de la creme of amateur rugby. And Gee. You get your boots on and go outside. Hit some naughty kicks and then before you know it the game starts. Now if you weren’t there on Saturday and expecting some delicious verbal recreation of the game, I’m afraid like a number of girlfriends I’ve had, I’m going to have to disappoint you from the outset. We scored 12 tries. I can barely remember to not listen to Gee when he starts talking, let alone try and remember all of the play that led to each try. However what I will do is run through some key moments in the game that made the packed out crowd giggle, cream and vomit into their gilets and gum boots (sorry, le Chameau:).

First, Hemel kick off and who is underneath it? Zac Halliday. Like a mentally challenged seal, he flapped his arms above his head and dropped it. Good start fellas.

Second, Dr Steve ‘WishhewasasgoodasAngus’ John receives a bit of a hospital pass in the midfield. Hemel’s ten decides that this is his moment. All of those years of practice has led him to this moment. He’s going to smash the opposition number eight and blowjobs galore will rain down upon him like Rogan’s spittle during a more aggressive pre-match team talk. Flying out of the line, the 10 connects and hits Steve. Did Steve fly backwards? No. Did the 10 get folded in half and spend the next 10 minutes saying hello to darkness his old friend? Correct.

Third, Hemel put together some good phases and ended up in our 22. No. 10 has shaken off his old friend and was dictating the play well. Their 6 decides to run a deep line off 10 and try and get on the outside of our defence. A noble thought. Up steps Cillian Waldron. From nowhere he flies out of the line and ends their 6. It was like a head-off car crash where two-become-one. Their 6 developed asthma and left the field.

Fourth, another Hemel kick-off. Ball bounces to Waldron. Inside to JLo. Chip ahead. Certain try. Ball bobbling towards the line. Suddenly, Alex ‘Cougar-bait’ Hart appears and attempts to score.  Maybe he was still unsure of the kick-off time. All I know is the ball slipped through his clearly lubed-hands and went forward. Dick of the day secured. Cue Instagram.

Finally, debutant Joe ‘lookslikeafattermoregingerCharlesBronson’ Healy [TEXT CENSORED] reputation. You don’t mess with Joe Healy. Within 2 minutes of coming on he had [TEXT CENSORED]and someone else a [TEXT CENSORED]. One of his first scrums ended with him [TEXT CENSORED]inside Henly’s [TEXT CENSORED]. He should’ve used some of Hart’s [TEXT CENSORED] as the Henly boys[TEXT CENSORED]. With the final plays of the game happening, Joe again does [TEXT CENSORED] to [TEXT CENSORED][TEXT CENSORED]at a [TEXT CENSORED]. And ends up getting [TEXT CENSORED]. Cue some [TEXT CENSORED]. Welcome to the club. Please don’t [TEXT CENSORED] me.

So there you have it. Some wonderful rugby played and some seriously good tries meant that the Hammer train keeps rolling. I will end with the rundown of the try scorers and a score out of ten + comment on each individual in the team. As it is most definitely payback time :).

12 tries scored, 1 penalty, and 8 conversions. Taylor x4, Josh x3, Purv x1, Hart x1, Cillian x1, JLo x1 and Caravan x1.  Final score 79-5.

  • Rogan: 8/10, scrummaged beautifully while he was off the field.
  • Zac: 8/10, absolute darts all day long. Looks like a much more attractive Fat Ba****d from Austin Powers.
  • Jacob: 8/10, we get it. You like politics.
  • Josh: 8/10, scoring tries now? Ooooo look at you.
  • Hart: 7.5/10, keep those wrinkle fingers away from me.
  • Lachy: 8/10, I kept hearing ‘allez Lachy’ from the sideline. I wonder what it’s like to have a girlfriend…..
  • Pete: 8/10, you are not Irish and called Derry. Sort that schlid out.
  • Dr Steve: 8/10, a physical representation of Jacko’s crusty sock.
  • Ross: 8/10, ‘there’s been a murda!’. Yes Ross, it’s called your left-hand pass.
  • Joe Caravan: 8/10, the best worst kicker I’ve ever seen.
  • Purv: 8/10, DJ sh*t tunes. Got his own business that helps polar bears.
  • Cillian: 9/10, a poor man’s Will Smith.
  • JLo: 8/10, his inability to run straight makes me question his eyesight.
  • Gee: 8/10, just for 5 minutes. All I want is silence for 5 minutes.
  • Taylor: 8/10, WRAP ME BUNDEE!!. Just for you 🙂
  • Joe H: 8/10, such a good player. Stay calm, deeeeep breaths.
  • Cale: 8/10, take the scrum hat off and be proud of your gingerness. Wear it like a badge of soulless honour.
  • Ben: 12/10, sh*t lad.