On Saturday 7^th March, Hammers made the coach journey north to play Welwyn in a rearranged fixture, the original postponed due to heavy rains and waterlogged pitches. Having been humbled at the hands of our Garden Centre friends in the corresponding fixture last year, this time round the back stories were very different: Hammers sat in 2^nd place, chasing promotion, whilst Welwyn are in the dog fight at the of foot the table that we know only too well.

The weekend was previously earmarked as an “off week” and we were without a couple of first team regulars- those in the team fortunate enough to have other friends and a social life (or, in Alex Hart’s case, a date with a Granny). Pleasingly, the depth to our squad meant we were able to call up very capable replacements.  One such replacement was Marshall “nice tie” MacLeod, who pitched up dressed like a school work experience student, but will have impressed the boss on his first XV debut (more on that later). Iain Downie and Joe Healy made their first starts. The latter coming good on his promise to take Rogan’s position, leaving our club captain to supervise the valuables bag on the sidelines, a role he takes very seriously.

Welwyn kicked off the first half, playing away from the club house. The sky was grey, but holding firm, and there was just a light wind blowing across the pitch. A sizeable Welwyn support was in attendance hoping to see their team get the win to salvage their season. We had Ash. And it was the Welwyn support, rather than Ash, who had the first thing to cheer about. Ten minutes in, possession was coughed up by the backs- *spoiler alert- this will be an ongoing theme *. On this occasion it was via a loose clearance kick and the Welwyn back line countered. A neat chip forward by the Welwyn right winger bounced awkwardly, deceiving the chasing Hammersmith players, and he regathered before dotting over. Not a good start. On the Touch line smoke billowed from Coach Jacko’s ears.  Rogan had missed it. He was watching the valuables bag.

The conversion went wide- *spoiler alert- ongoing theme*- and play was resumed with the Hammers very keen to make amends for the slow start. Steve John, the clubs second best doctor, carried hard in his usual fashion and as the team started to play the structure, the Welwyn defence opened up. Prop Joe Healy found himself through a hole and into daylight, somewhat to the surprise of his teammates, but unfortunately, like several other similar opportunities, the Hammers failed to capitalize.

And Hammers were lucky not find themselves another try down when, amidst a pile of bodies over the Hammer’s try line, it looked like Welwyn’s Alex Gee-esque winger had grounded the ball.  The referee didn’t see it- a let off for Hammers. The smoke cloud above Jacko’s head was expanding. Rogan wasn’t sure what happened. He still had his eyes firmly on the valuables bag.

Next was another collective groan from the Hammers faithful (Ash) when debutant fly half Marsh took a hard knock to the head, and seemed to be struggling. Our physio assessed him and was happy for Marsh to go on. The referee, however, wasn’t as convinced, and requested Marsh to jog 2 steps forwards then 5 steps backwards, before giving him his blessing. An unconventional HIA, but an outcome we welcomed.

From this point, Hammers started to take hold of the game. An overthrow from a Welwyn lineout in their own 22 bounced into the hands of Steve, the second best doctor, and he had a clear run in to the line. Even the recently single Ben Hatton couldn’t not convert. 5-7. What followed was a frustrating period where Hammers strung together a lot of good play but didn’t finish the chances. The doctors exchanged offloads, and the second rows, Xander and Josh, carried hard. Cale “I’ll come back now Hammers are second” Holmes harried well around the rucks, and Rogan, who due to an administrative error had found himself relieved of his valuables bag duties, executed the perfect “plus one”.

Unfortunately, a rugby team is 47% backs, and it seemed their basic skills were alluding them. Whilst our props were plus one-ing exquisitely, a back- who doesn’t currently have a plus one- Ben Hatton, was struggling to master the simple hand catch. On one such occasion, the forwards broke in the midfield, trading a series of delightful passes out of the tackle. Up the field the Hammers surged, the Welwyn defence sucked in, the overlap was on. Scrum half to Flyhalf. Pass and catch completed. Flyhalf to Inside centre. Pass and catch completed. So far so good. Inside centre to outside centre. This is going really well. Outside centre to Ben Hatton. Fumbled. Normality resumed. Try of the season cancelled. This was to be a repeating pattern. I recall that at one point, the ball was even passed straight into touch- a back believing that thin air would have more chance of executing the catch than his outside man.

Anyway, before this report becomes more negative than Pete Benson at a toddler’s birthday party, and longer and more drivelling than an Alex Gee team talk, I’m going to stop “back-bashing” and speed it up: We went on to score 6 further tries and play some decent rugby intermittently. Second on the score board was Cillian Waldron who intercepted in the Hammers half. The run-in was labored but he made it. Hatton did not make the kick. 5-10.

Next was J-Lo, who over the years has scored for fun despite his unconventional style of moving like the knight on a chess board: 2 steps horizontally for each step forwards. To quote the man himself (as I can’t remember): “right hand side, 40 out, ran in hard, handed off their 7 in the face and just turned on the Nos. It was a deadly mix of power and pace”. The same cannot be said for Hatton’s missed conversation. Northerner Purv chalked Hammers’ 4th. Again, I can’t remember what happened (I tend to look away when the backs get the ball) so here’s his account: “Aye oop! Ball came t’Iain, who passed t’ ‘atton who fed me t’dive acrobat’cally int’ corner. Ta ta.” (that’s how Northerners speak, right?!). Not converted.

After the break Iain Downie got try number 6. The scrum half who’d moved house at 11am that morning, 1 hour before the team bus departed, showing similar quick speed of thought to pick and go, throw the dummy and go over the whitewash. A Hatton slice and hook cancelled each other out and the ball accidentally sailed over the posts for a rare conversion.  Next up was Xander who galloped under the sticks after supporting a Steve John break and offload.  J-lo scuffed the quick drop goal. Not sure why it was even attempted- a strong DOTD contender.

The last try was scored by yours truly thanks to some guile from Hammersmith front rower/ Tory back bencher, Jacob “Reece Mogg” Poulton. Hammers were awarded a penalty 5m out and jolly Jacob called a quick tap. His swift hands found me in-between two defenders. I didn’t pass (rarely do), stuck my head down and barreled over. On a very slight angle, 15m in from the touch line, the kick proved too difficult.

There were no further scores from either team. Welwyn found their second wind in the final quarter and, had it not been for Marsh’s fantastic chase back and covering tackle, and a couple of vital Second Best Doctor turnovers, they may well have pinched one back at the end. But they didn’t and the final whistle was blown. Final score 39-5.  The sheepish looks as we shuffled into the team huddle with Jacko at the end said it all- we knew we’d been far off our best. However, it could be argued 7 tries and a bonus point win on an “off day’ ain’t bad.

This past week’s current affairs have been eventful to say the least. With a pandemic upon as and with major sporting competitions around the country falling one by one, it may only be a matter of time before London North West 2 experiences a similar fate. In these uncertain times, this could be the last match report for a while. What is certain though, is that whenever we next play: Rogan will still know where the valuables bag is, Hatton will still be dropping balls, and Hammers will still be chasing down London Welsh. And we’re going to catch them.

MOTM- Zander Stephen (strong carries and hard work)

DOTD- Ben Hatton (see above)

After a good win the week before, Hammers third XV travelled to the middle of nowhere to play a strong Feltham side that like us, were looking to secure a spot in the play offs come the end of the season. After a long walk through a swamp from the changing rooms to the pitch the 3’s spirits were lifted by an opposition who strolled out to do there warm up half an hour before kick off. With Strong winds blowing we knew that this wasn’t going to be the day for wild looping passes, and with some big lads in their pack we knew that tackling low was going to be important to stop them from getting over the game line.

In the first half Hammers had the wind behind us so we knew that we had to use it to our advantage to clear the ball from our lines. From the kick-off however, the hammers were put under pressure as catching the ball seemed to elude some of our players and Feltham regathered their own kick off. After several phases of pressure and some big runs from their NO8, hammers found themselves having to re-group under the posts. The conversion was pushed just wide of the posts and the score was 0-5.

Soon after our kick off and after some well placed kicks from full back Steve Harris, Hammers found their way into the opposition 22. After repeat pressure and some good hands from the backs, Tom McGurk found himself blasting over the try line for what was to be the first of two tries for the centre. With the conversion missed the scores were level at 5-5. Soon after this, Hammers were back in the oppo 22 and Gerky found himself barging over in the same spot he had crossed over only a few minutes earlier. Conversion missed and the score was 10-5 to Hammers. Not long before Half time Feltham got one back and with the conversion it was 10-10.

HT 10-10

With the wind Against us in the second half, Hammers know that ball retention was going to be important. Unfortunately, we seemed to enjoy throwing loopy passes to no-one which meant that Feltham were given a lot of easy possession and territory and it was only down to the amazing defence of the Hammers that they did not cross the try line. It took 30 minutes for the first try of the second try of the game to be scored. This time, Shaun Coitus – returning from injury – had an easy run on his first game of the season since his latest injury to make it 15-10. With Steve Harris making the conversion it was 17-10.

Feltham his back a few minutes later and scored an easy try after a penalties and missed passes allowed them an easy walk in to make it 17-15. From the re-start, Feltham again drove back down to the Hammers 22. The previous try had given them hope of a late comeback but a turnover from Captain Cook put an end to that dream. After winning the lineout, Hammers kicked the ball out to secure a scrappy 17-15 win. It wasn’t pretty, but Hammers know that they will need to improve on this performance ahead of their cup semi final away to Hampstead on the 29^th.

FT-17-15

Man of the Match: Tom Mohan for outstanding play.

Dick of the Day: Shaun Curtis for rollin around with cramp and Tom McGurk for Hattrick avoidance

It was Saturday afternoon is South West London and with Storm Dennis brewing to hit the Hammersmith and Fulham boys welcomed Ruislip to fortress Hurlingham, which had been breach two week’s before by a Belsize side fielding a higher team never the less the boys were pumped and wanted to make a statement, with the Hammer 1’s game cancelled and the Hammer 2’s having an early kick off it meant the 3’s had quite a crowd to perform against, no pressure now lads. After walking out to a guard of honour from the supporting lads the boys were pumped up and ready to smash some Ruislip lads. Straight from kick off the hammers forwards made a state with a huge twin hit on the receiving Ruislip player. This momentum enable the 3’s to steal a quick turn over and a crash ball in the centre and an outrageous blindside call enable the legendary returning George O’hara to stroll over within 2 minutes of the game, up steps Steve Harris to see if he can add the extra two from the sideline but on this occasion didn’t quite have the minerals.

Ruislips 130+ kg prop looked like he would be a dangerous ball carrier but this myth after a couple of carries the lads started chopping those ankles instead of going for the bear hug. Hammers second try came from an attempted clearance from Mr Maxwell’s boot saying I’ll clear our lines with an off the side of the boot spiral kick that only just made our 10 meter line however a fortunate bounce and wheels from Alex Chong Kwan enable him to pip the ball in the air and then run it in from the halfway line to save Ollie Maxwell any blush, this time round Steve Harris had his eye on the prize and slotted it through the middle. 12-0 Hammer’s

The Hammers forwards

at this point where starting to dominate and worked our way up the pitch and had a lineout on Ruislip 22m line, a quick ball off the top amd a smart grubber through from Harris allowed the on rushing Ollie Maxwell to slide over and ground the ball, simple rugby execute at the highest order, Harris doesn’t make any mistake this time either and converts nicely. 19-0. I heard you ask what about Storm Dennis he was seemingly being kept at bay.

Continuing to push our scrum half looks like a prop, N.Emmett then does a cheeky show and go and strolls over the line right hand side of the pitch, this angle and a big blow from dennis Harris hooks his conversion wide, that concludes the half.

Half Time Score 24-0.

Ruislip came out second half with the wind behind them and wanting to test the Hammers defence how this stood strong and with the Ruislip forward pack starting to tire and there one of runner allowed the hammers boys to easily select their targets however a lack of discipline and a brief blip in concentration allowed Ruislip to maul it over to get what was to be there only points of the game.

Fortunately the 3s are better at scoring tries than maths as a lack in basic counting skills meant we ended up with 16 on the Field for a very brief moment and then down to 14. In the ensuing confusion that was definitely due to no fault of his own Irwin left the pitch and got caught out with a buffalo on a tinny before being ordered back onto the field, seconds after downing the can.

The Hammers wanted to put right this mistaken score with the lads making ground down the pitch and ending up camping up on Ruislip’s 5m line with the scrums so dominate and walking them forward getting penalty after penalty captain cook asked about the penalty try but wasn’t needed as another scrum walked forward and a pop to Emmett to dived over for his second try of the game. Again the hammers secured the kick off and launched a quick counter attack and made some serious yards and with a 4-1 big man Tom  decided to go himself and bundled over to score the final points of the game but the questionable decision to back himself rather than using the 4 on 1 option to finish a great game in horrible conditions.

The final Score Hammers ran out 36 – 7 winners against Ruislip.

Hi. How are you? Take a seat. Also, what have you been up to? I’ve just recovered consciousness from a significant night of post-rugby celebrations (disclaimer* this may impact the subsequent report). Anyways, do you ever wonder about the meaning of life? Well, I do. Even if there is reincarnation, the earth will be consumed by the sun in six billion years, and even if we find another galaxy to inhabit, the ‘Big Bang’ will subsequently lead to our universe imploding back in on itself: the way I see it- what’s the point?

So, it was with this in mind that we created the temporary buffer between our inexorable and relentless march towards death by playing rugby for the Hammersmith and Fulham fours on Saturday. This therefore lead to us playing against the men from Wasps in a highly anticipated and season-defining top of the table clash.

I don’t know about you, but I sure appreciate a strong hand. Currently led on the field by Stephen Danby, 22, Secondary-school owner and James Mitchell, 39, Pharmacy Technician, it was self-reported they had been brought within an inch of their lives during the week by player-manager, Nick Turner over their need to inject increased expression of emotion and passion within the team. It was this and the intense pre-game talks that therefore took us to the field with a mild sense of shame and self-loathing.

Despite this hurdle, the game started well with territory firmly camped in the opposition 22 metres. Persistent Forwards pressure combined with sending the ball wide worked brilliantly. It was rumoured they were threatened with being sent back down the coal-mines and so frequent runs from Drysdale and Draper carved the opposition to threads. It seemed as if the only thing that stood in our way was the touch-judge. After an initial break-through across the try-line (which excessive celebration has inhibited the recollection of), a subsequent sudden rampage across the line by Ali Johnston saw a further touch-down and consolidation of an early Hammers lead (the try-scorer’s legality status however remains yet to be ratified by WADA officials).

A solid lead was subsequently built, however a stern come-back via Wasps opportune scores in the second half brought the game to within touching distance. However, still fresh from winning second and third places respectively in a beauty contest, the brothers Mitchell charged over the try line in close proximity to collect timely points: Jack charged through the middle as if his Uncle’s horses depended on it, while James crashed over viciously through the waiting defenders. Young Dixie was noted for making several piercing runs from the back of the ruck while Dan Serf stole some much needed lineout ball and Antoine France later made some heavy tackles.

Have you ever seen human pain and suffering? Well if you answered yes, then you will have been firmly in your element- broken noses (and hearts) were the order of the day- Scott Ireland was left with scars and stitches indelibly etched on his face for the rest of life while Leon (noted for a couple of trademark hammering tackles and great try) was rewarded with a rearranged nose for his valiant efforts. Hammers held on to win 29-17 and remain in pole-position for season promotion.

This was a great team performance where backs and forwards integrated formidably. As a result the level of team shared love/passion rose from a 4.2 to 6 by game-end.

To finish with: while you may be sitting there thinking rugby is the ‘be-all and end-all,’ remember: the clock is ticking. Reading this article has brought you several minutes closer to your inevitable demise.

Tell them that you love them. Tell them to delete your browsing history. Choose meaning. Choose happiness. Choose KFC